Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Essence of the Problem

The essence of the problem is that I am in love with A. I have tried avoidance, denial, just staying away from her trying to face the reality that she could not possibly be interested in a much older married geezer who has little to offer. Hoping that there would be any mutual feelings is a foolish thought and a waste of time for me, but even after a year I cannot shake these feelings. If she told me the feelings were mutual I would throw away my entire life to be with her. Just to hold her and be in her company would be plenty.

Sure, I've had temporary crushes over the years, but they usually go away in a few weeks or a couple of months. This one won't go away. I think this was all part of my depression last fall. It got to the point that suicide seemed like a viable alternative. Some days it still does. I can't find enough distraction to keep my thoughts away from all this.

I hate conflict so that when it happens I either shut down or lose my shit all together. I respond in the extreme, not like a reasonable person at all. I am unable to find any inner peace or calmness and always attempt to act like a normal person living a normal life. I am an actor, but I don't know how good. I just can't be anything else. I act like I am comfortable at home and at work and that everything is fine in my life, but half the time I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. Maybe I am of the hope that if I keep acting normal I will be someday. 

I am not sure there is anyone to turn to. I have been to individual counseling and marriage counseling and I cannot tell any of them how bad it is inside. I can tell them that my feelings for my wife are long gone and that I could go out on my own which would probably be a good thing. However, I am a chickenshit and can't stand to inflict pain on anyone. I don't want to hurt my wife, although she knows my feelings aren't much beyond friendship and 30 plus years of living together. Sex went away over twenty years ago and I am resentful of that, but at this point I have no desire to pursue my wife in that direction. I lost that kind of interest in her a couple of years after she decided she didn't want sex anymore. I haven't cheated, but is it even cheating if it is long since forgotten?

Learn from this people. Follow your heart. Unless it is happy, you will never be happy. The brain should be involved, but it needs to indulge the heart. Practicality is good, but won't bring happiness by itself and if we are not happy what is the point of existing. Reproduction? There are too many people on the planet as it is.  Maybe there is true love and maybe there isn't. Maybe someone much wiser than me knows if there is. I think it is worth pursuing though. I have stayed with this because I made a vow and thought it was the right way to live. I believe I have been wrong. It may be honorable to some extent, but it is dishonest. My father always told me to be true to myself. I haven't been and have suffered for it. It's my bed and I should lie in it. I guess I am just resigned to live in silence and wait to grow older and die.

I have helped animals and people and still do to get some fulfillment and while it helps a little it does nothing for my lonely heart. I'll just go on pretending. 

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