Tuesday, May 16, 2017

dealing with disappointment

I have this friend, Ang, who accompanied me to Europe about 4 years ago. We are "just friends", but I did have a bit of a crush on her at one time. She is very smart (engineer) very thoughtful, and attractive to boot. She knew I had the hots for her and waited until I got over it so we could get on with being friends. A very wise woman for being in her early 50's (just a kid). She is also quite generous when I come to visit and will take me out to eat and let me sleep in her guest room so I don't have to crash on my brother's sofa. I have also gotten to the point where I will confide in her and she will give me advice if I ask for it. She has gotten to know me and still likes me. How cool is that?

So A told me that anytime I went to the city I should let her know so she could ride down with me and visit some friends. As many times as I have seen A it is rarely for very long and certainly not the 5 hours it takes to go the city. I was really looking forward to being able to talk and listen with her for hours. So I have a reason to go to the city coming up and guess what. It is the only weekend she has plans. It is sailing, which she loves, with another friend and his sailboat. I guess I'm relegated to a few minutes here and there whenever I run into her. Damn! Maybe another opportunity will come up, but this is the beginning of the really busy season and I may not be able to get away for a long time.

I try and keep my distance from A so I don't get drawn in and she has totally friend-zoned me so I know there is no hope. Especially as long as I am married. Maybe I should just finish off my marriage for good and get on with my life, but everything is so tied up it seems nearly impossible.

So I wrote an email to Ang. Not talking about A, just needed someone to listen to my general state of being. I think she is in Japan this week on business, but I know she will at least read it when she gets a chance. It is nice to have someone to listen, but I also try not to abuse that privilege. While it is my own doing, the heartache just keeps happening.

On the other hand, I am healthy, have a regular job, and a place to live, but apparently have some emotional needs that are not being met. I guess that is what I have bee looking for for quite a few years now.

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