Silly me. I thought they were my friends. I haven't heard from e or A for a long time. I have sent a few texts, but never gotten a response. It's too bad, really, as they are both wonderful women, but I am apparently not worthy of any of their attention in any way. They can call the shots and I won't bother them any more. My feelings toward them will not change, as I have seen what wonderful humans they can be, but my reaction to them will.
Meanwhile, back in what passes for my daily life, I am still living in a house with my wife and going to counseling with her because it's all my fault that we are not doing well in our relationship. Realizing how long ago my feelings for her faded, but being responsible for a lot of things in our life I didn't feel I could leave. Now it is even more difficult. I would probably have to live in a tent, but summer is coming and it may not be such a bad idea. I could just claim a stall in the barn and fix it up, but I don't know if I could keep all the mice out. I'll have to bring a couple of the cats with me. There is water, electricity, and a roof, so it might not be that bad.
It has been over twenty years since I have had a sexual relationship with anyone and it is one of the things on my bucket list. Seeing as how no one has expressed any interest in that in as many years maybe I should consider calling a professional. I have no idea if that is realistic, but I understand they are a few hundred dollars now and my general shortage of funds wouldn't allow it. Maybe if I save diligently for a while. I would probably have to go to the big city and figure out how to find one that wouldn't shoot me or give me a weird disease or something, but I have heard that there are some who offer a pretty high end service where those things are not an issue. That probably costs more money. In the long run that is probably cheaper than an actual relationship, however, when you consider all the ramifications. It will give me something to ponder as I try to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.