I got to see A last weekend for the first time in over three months. I guess I should have expected it as the activity was something we both enjoy and seek out. There were others there that I didn't really know with the exception of one. After the initial activity was over everyone was hanging around and after a while I felt like I was just taking up space. As I went to leave A and another friend asked if I would come along for a drink and dinner. I had nothing else to do and thought it might be fun.
It actually was. A and I caught up. I could see she wasn't as happy as I would like to see. It makes me want to do things for her to make her life a little better and more fun, but I'm not in a position to do more than little things and I doubt she would ask anything of me. As a friend she has all the permission she needs to ask anything of me just like any other friend, male or female. I guess doing things for other people makes me feel good and useful. Don't know if she knows or understands that and there is nothing I will do or say to help her out unless she asks.
Meanwhile, the wife has returned from a week down south and seems a little more relaxed. Her tension and stress were getting to me and the roommate and the break was a good thing. Still have a long way to go to resolve issues, if that ever happens, but we both have to deal with the realities of getting older as well.
At least I am not severely depressed like I was last fall. I am feeling okay about me and I seem to be getting a little more respect at home. I don't feel the need to just run away and leave my life behind. The logistics are more complicated than before, but that was always the joy of just leaving. Most of those things holding me back would just disappear once I left. No, I think I'll stick around for now, but there are still years to do what I need to to for me. I have been doing for others long enough.