Sunday, April 23, 2017


Last fall I told A that I would haul a little pile of brush out of her yard after she trimmed some trees, etc. I reminded her a week ago that I would still do this (if nothing else, I am a man of my word) whenever it was convenient. She texted me and made an offer I could barely refuse. She would take me out for fish and chips if I hauled her brush. I have a weakness for good food and am easily bribed, but I just couldn't fit it in which bummed me right the hell out.

I stopped by her place just to check out the brush to see if I could do it in one load and I can. She showed me the area she cleared which is a lovely spot beneath a spruce tree in her back yard. Now I'll have to make her a bench to go there. It is something I enjoy doing and I know she will like it. I just need to make sure I don't seem too eager or stalky which is tough when you realize that you still adore someone after months of not seeing them with only a few words of communication. Sometimes I wish she wasn't so kind and I didn't enjoy her company so much.

Friendship is all I can allow myself and I am pretty sure that is all she can ever offer, so I am happy with that. I sure as hell enjoy her companionship when I have it.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Do for the Others

I got to see A last weekend for the first time in over three months. I guess I should have expected it as the activity was something we both enjoy and seek out. There were others there that I didn't really know with the exception of one. After the initial activity was over everyone was hanging around and after a while I felt like I was just taking up space. As I went to leave A and another friend asked if I would come along for a drink and dinner. I had nothing else to do and thought it might be fun.

It actually was. A and I caught up. I could see she wasn't as happy as I would like to see. It makes me want to do things for her to make her life a little better and more fun, but I'm not in a position to do more than little things and I doubt she would ask anything of me. As a friend she has all the permission she needs to ask anything of me just like any other friend, male or female. I guess doing things for other people makes me feel good and useful. Don't know if she knows or understands that and there is nothing I will do or say to help her out unless she asks.

Meanwhile, the wife has returned from a week down south and seems a little more relaxed. Her tension and stress were getting to me and the roommate and the break was a good thing. Still have a long way to go to resolve issues, if that ever happens, but we both have to deal with the realities of getting older as well.

At least I am not severely depressed like I was last fall. I am feeling okay about me and I seem to be getting a little more respect at home. I don't feel the need to just run away and leave my life behind. The logistics are more complicated than before, but that was always the joy of just leaving. Most of those things holding me back would just disappear once I left. No, I think I'll stick around for now, but there are still years to do what I need to to for me. I have been doing for others long enough.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Moving on

Silly me. I thought they were my friends. I haven't heard from e or A for a long time. I have sent a few texts, but never gotten a response. It's too bad, really, as they are both wonderful women, but I am apparently not worthy of any of their attention in any way. They can call the shots and I won't bother them any more. My feelings toward them will not change, as I have seen what wonderful humans they can be, but my reaction to them will.

Meanwhile, back in what passes for my daily life, I am still living in a house with my wife and going to counseling with her because it's all my fault that we are not doing well in our relationship. Realizing how long ago my feelings for her faded, but being responsible for a lot of things in our life I didn't feel I could leave. Now it is even more difficult. I would probably have to live in a tent, but summer is coming and it may not be such a bad idea. I could just claim a stall in the barn and fix it up, but I don't know if I could keep all the mice out. I'll have to bring a couple of the cats with me. There is water, electricity, and a roof, so it might not be that bad.

It has been over twenty years since I have had a sexual relationship with anyone and it is one of the things on my bucket list. Seeing as how no one has expressed any interest in that in as many years maybe I should consider calling a professional.  I have no idea if that is realistic, but I understand they are a few hundred dollars now and my general shortage of funds wouldn't allow it. Maybe if I save diligently for a while. I would probably have to go to the big city and figure out how to find one that wouldn't shoot me or give me a weird disease or something, but I have heard that there are some who offer a pretty high end service where those things are not an issue. That probably costs more money. In the long run that is probably cheaper than an actual relationship, however, when you consider all the ramifications. It will give me something to ponder as I try to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.