Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Last Chance

I'm going to marriage counseling with the wife next week. We have been seen together, but this is about the last shot. I really don't want to continue this marriage and I hope i can keep her discomfort to a minimum. Since we have talked out a lot of it I think it will all be okay.

Of course I can't really afford to live separately even if I badly want to. I have financial and maintenance obligations here on the farm so it would be difficult. If I can find a place in exchange for work it would be terrific, but this town has a real shortage of housing. Maybe I'll live in a tent on a back pasture or just put up a cheap rustic shack.

My depression is pretty much gone and I am a lot happier these days, but still have my melancholy moments. My dreams of what can still happen in my life keep me going. The mess in D.C. does its best to ruin everything, but I will fight that, too.

I haven't heard from A since before her trip to Mexico. I have dropped her a few lines, but never hear back. She is obviously ignoring me. Probably for my own benefit. At least that is what I can think unless she lets me know something else. I never told her that I love her, but she isn't blind, deaf, and dumb, and I'm probably not that good at hiding my feelings. I can never expect anything back and that's okay. It was a privilege knowing her and her initials are carved on my heart, where there are only two other sets from a long, long time ago. A is a rare gem and there will always be a fond memory of her.

It was different than the usual crush that comes along every five years or so. Maybe it was her kindness, but I won't over analyze anything and just let it go. I am still in occasional contact with the other two sets of initials. I hope that can happen with A someday.

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