Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Last Chance

I'm going to marriage counseling with the wife next week. We have been seen together, but this is about the last shot. I really don't want to continue this marriage and I hope i can keep her discomfort to a minimum. Since we have talked out a lot of it I think it will all be okay.

Of course I can't really afford to live separately even if I badly want to. I have financial and maintenance obligations here on the farm so it would be difficult. If I can find a place in exchange for work it would be terrific, but this town has a real shortage of housing. Maybe I'll live in a tent on a back pasture or just put up a cheap rustic shack.

My depression is pretty much gone and I am a lot happier these days, but still have my melancholy moments. My dreams of what can still happen in my life keep me going. The mess in D.C. does its best to ruin everything, but I will fight that, too.

I haven't heard from A since before her trip to Mexico. I have dropped her a few lines, but never hear back. She is obviously ignoring me. Probably for my own benefit. At least that is what I can think unless she lets me know something else. I never told her that I love her, but she isn't blind, deaf, and dumb, and I'm probably not that good at hiding my feelings. I can never expect anything back and that's okay. It was a privilege knowing her and her initials are carved on my heart, where there are only two other sets from a long, long time ago. A is a rare gem and there will always be a fond memory of her.

It was different than the usual crush that comes along every five years or so. Maybe it was her kindness, but I won't over analyze anything and just let it go. I am still in occasional contact with the other two sets of initials. I hope that can happen with A someday.

Monday, March 6, 2017

A new life

A new life would be nice. Taking some elements of the old one along would be necessary. Abandoning ship and running away would be a little silly at this point in my life. Wouldn't be the first time, though.

Having created a life that has been a complete anchor for the last twenty years seemed okay for a while, but more like a trap for the last five years. Heavy obligations aren't easy to blow off. I really don't need much, but I need something. I have a few good friends, but none are closer than five hours away. I will be seeing them in a few weeks. A little space between me and the world I live in and have created will be a good thing and hopefully not too late.

The longer days have helped and pursuing outside interests has been helpful in my recovery from one of the darkest depressions I have ever experienced. I have to credit A with being a lifeline. Had she not been there I would not likely be here at all. I can never repay her, nor would she probably let me, but I will always be in her debt and grateful for her companionship. I hope I did her no harm through everything. She will always have a special place in my heart and in my mind.

I can't predict what the future will bring, but I will check in from time to time. It has been fun getting to remember some special people in my life and getting to know a few new special people. I wouldn't have thought they were out there, but they were. Spring is a time of rebirth and growth. I am long overdue for both.