Monday, February 20, 2017

New Friends

It has been a while since my crush on e, but given time it seems to have become a nice friendship. We text once in a while and see each other for moments here and there. I still think she's cute and sexy in a primitive sort of way (which I prefer) and I am less tense and more relaxed around her. I think she likes that better, too. She is younger than me, but not as young as A.

 I haven't seen A for two months and have only exchanged a handful of texts. She is so sweet and vulnerable, but our age difference is a big deal to me. I can adore her all I want, but wouldn't want to tie up her life and then go and die. It would be so unfair. The good thing is that she doesn't have that kind of interest in me anyway. I think I can handle being in her presence now. I still think she is one of the most wonderful people I ever met, but a serious reality check was in order. Hard to get my brain to override my heart, but it had to happen.

Been talking to the wife about separation. She has been treating me very nicely for a while now. Her drinking is getting back toward its usual overindulgence, however. She still loves me, she says, and even after twenty some years of sex-free living she is starting to hint that it may be a possibility. I have never betrayed that aspect of our lives, but after this long it will take a lot of convincing before I really consider it. I like her most of the time, but what we have is not a marriage to me. Don't think I'll ever want a marriage again. Once was enough. An occasional girlfriend would be nice, though. Who knows if it will ever happen. It may not be all that important after all and I think I would be fine as an independent spirit. I like company, but it has a price that I may not be willing to pay anymore. Then again, you just never know what will be around the next corner. 

Saturday, February 4, 2017

It makes no difference

That's the title of a song by The Band that is one of the saddest unrequited love songs I know. That and the Ray Charles version of You Don't Know Me.

The difference between them is that in It Makes No Difference there was once a love that is no more.
It makes no difference where I turn
I can't get over you and the flame still burns
It makes no difference, night or day
The shadow never seems to fade away

 And this:
 Now there's no love
As true as the love
That dies untold

Then Ray Charles sings about a woman he loves, but they are just friends and he must watch her go away with some other guy.

 No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me 

Then at the end:

Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me) 

I Imagine we have all gone through this and it hurts often with a pain that is debilitating, but what can you do.

My friend A is like the last one. I am sure she knows my feelings are strong, but that I won't do anything about them. I haven't seen her for a month and a half and we have only sent a few texts and I had hoped my feelings would wane as they usually do after time. They haven't, but I wish they would. She is going to Mexico for a vacation and I assume not going alone. I always wish her the greatest of happiness and I always hope her life turns out the way she wants it to knowing I can never really be a part of it.

She is the only one of my friends and acquaintances that knows this blog exists, but I am pretty sure she doesn't read this, otherwise I wouldn't have written this. She was very kind to me at a time when no one else was or had any idea how far down I had gone. Maybe that was what drew me in. Of course, everything I know about her just makes me care more. Unfortunately, nothing will ever come of it so I learn to live with the pain. I can sometimes push it aside, but it's always there to remind me that there is someone in the world like her.

But it makes no difference and she'll never know.