Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Essence of the Problem

The essence of the problem is that I am in love with A. I have tried avoidance, denial, just staying away from her trying to face the reality that she could not possibly be interested in a much older married geezer who has little to offer. Hoping that there would be any mutual feelings is a foolish thought and a waste of time for me, but even after a year I cannot shake these feelings. If she told me the feelings were mutual I would throw away my entire life to be with her. Just to hold her and be in her company would be plenty.

Sure, I've had temporary crushes over the years, but they usually go away in a few weeks or a couple of months. This one won't go away. I think this was all part of my depression last fall. It got to the point that suicide seemed like a viable alternative. Some days it still does. I can't find enough distraction to keep my thoughts away from all this.

I hate conflict so that when it happens I either shut down or lose my shit all together. I respond in the extreme, not like a reasonable person at all. I am unable to find any inner peace or calmness and always attempt to act like a normal person living a normal life. I am an actor, but I don't know how good. I just can't be anything else. I act like I am comfortable at home and at work and that everything is fine in my life, but half the time I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. Maybe I am of the hope that if I keep acting normal I will be someday. 

I am not sure there is anyone to turn to. I have been to individual counseling and marriage counseling and I cannot tell any of them how bad it is inside. I can tell them that my feelings for my wife are long gone and that I could go out on my own which would probably be a good thing. However, I am a chickenshit and can't stand to inflict pain on anyone. I don't want to hurt my wife, although she knows my feelings aren't much beyond friendship and 30 plus years of living together. Sex went away over twenty years ago and I am resentful of that, but at this point I have no desire to pursue my wife in that direction. I lost that kind of interest in her a couple of years after she decided she didn't want sex anymore. I haven't cheated, but is it even cheating if it is long since forgotten?

Learn from this people. Follow your heart. Unless it is happy, you will never be happy. The brain should be involved, but it needs to indulge the heart. Practicality is good, but won't bring happiness by itself and if we are not happy what is the point of existing. Reproduction? There are too many people on the planet as it is.  Maybe there is true love and maybe there isn't. Maybe someone much wiser than me knows if there is. I think it is worth pursuing though. I have stayed with this because I made a vow and thought it was the right way to live. I believe I have been wrong. It may be honorable to some extent, but it is dishonest. My father always told me to be true to myself. I haven't been and have suffered for it. It's my bed and I should lie in it. I guess I am just resigned to live in silence and wait to grow older and die.

I have helped animals and people and still do to get some fulfillment and while it helps a little it does nothing for my lonely heart. I'll just go on pretending. 

Monday, August 14, 2017

Same issue, different decade

My dear friend A has the same issue as my old friend Katie. A former love in her life is gone, but stops back occasionally. In Katie's case he would sleep with her and then leave and not be heard from for a year or so and then show up again. A has an ex who lives on the other side of the border. He left her for someone else and several years later she still carries a torch for him. When she goes to Thunder Bay to see a movie with friends or some other reason. She has fun, but you can see a little melancholy in her sparkly eyes. It makes me sad that she is sad and I wish I could do something to help her get over him entirely, but I am just a man. I do adore her and she would be blind to not see it even though I try not to be too attentive. She doesn't need more problems in her life.

I am really glad she confides in me a little and makes me want to hold her until she gets past it all, but I can only be a sympathetic and supportive friend. That is what I have tried to be and would never ask for more. Although if she said the right words I would probably throw away my life as it is and go with her. It's just the way I feel sometimes. Feeling it all the time creates a constant craving (thank you K.D. Lang) that goes completely away. It hovers in the background never far from my consciousness. I often call it forward when I go to bed and even though I feel the need I also feel a calmness that I get from this wonderful human being. Don't tell her I said that.

I wanted to send this to her, but it might make it worse. It is a beautiful song sung by Raylene Rankin lamenting men telling her loving things before running off with another.

Monday, July 17, 2017

A is amazing

I try to leave her alone so I don't seem so needy and I don't want to interfere with her life. As long as I am married I don't think it is possible to do more which will only serve to make me want to be in her company. So I just try and lay back. Normally I am the one to initiate any contact maybe because I can't help myself. There are always things I want to talk to her about, but I don't want to push it.

This time she initiated it via text message. Her vehicle was dead and she needed a jump. Unfortunately, I was already back home and I don't get reception there. She eventually got a coworker and her boyfriend to help, but to no avail. Her ride is in the shop now. I am in town for work every day and offered her my vehicle and also my bike since hers is out of commission. She offered me strawberries as she and another coworker had gone to Thunder Bay for strawberry picking and a movie.

She also practices mindfulness and meditation to keep her stable. I suffer from depression, too, but have been working to deal with it via alternative methods as the medical anti depressants don't seem to be much help and cause unpleasant side effects. I need her to help me learn to meditate in a more focused way.

I really appreciate her friendship and support and kindness. She is pretty enough, but it is what is inside that makes her a ravishing beauty to me. Keeping my emotions in check is a challenge, but worth it to keep her friendship. I absolutely do not want to jeopardize that.

I'll melt some chocolate for her to dip strawberries into. Positively sinful. See you later, A. Be happy and stay well.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

I was out and about

While running around doing errands after work I saw someone walking down the side of the road. It was A headed off to her second job.

The unmistakable gliding grace
I pull over
She stops
A smile that comes from deep inside
Warm eyes that almost hide the fatigue
Words that sound like music
No matter what they mean
A quick touch that reaches my soul
And she is gone
My heart soars like a hawk.

My apologies to Chief Dan George for the last line, but I have always liked it. It is appropriate.

Then I finished my errands and went home. Sometimes just a brief interlude can change feelings for days at a time.

Thursday, June 1, 2017


Yesterday I got to visit with or write to three of my favorite local women.  A and e and their friend Y all in separate places and circumstances. These women are all very capable and independent and have some serious talents in the arts and music. They are all in their forties, but not for long in one or two cases, and of course they are all physically and mentally attractive in their individual ways. At that age many women still are, at least to me.

It does this old mans heart and soul good to interact with such people and brightens my day. While I sometimes have momentary fantasies about any of them I just push them aside. Since I am married none of them are the type to screw around with that status and there are way more younger and attractive men available to them. It does make me wish I was fifteen years younger, but wishing is for dreamers. I am a dreamer, but I try to turn my dreams toward reality. Otherwise its just an exercise in frustration.

Lucky for me I am in a position to help them with some of their needs even though they are all the practical needs, not needs of the heart. At least I feel needed for something and that's good. I guess I find them all adorable in different ways, but I am happy to be their friend if nothing else. It was a good day.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

dealing with disappointment

I have this friend, Ang, who accompanied me to Europe about 4 years ago. We are "just friends", but I did have a bit of a crush on her at one time. She is very smart (engineer) very thoughtful, and attractive to boot. She knew I had the hots for her and waited until I got over it so we could get on with being friends. A very wise woman for being in her early 50's (just a kid). She is also quite generous when I come to visit and will take me out to eat and let me sleep in her guest room so I don't have to crash on my brother's sofa. I have also gotten to the point where I will confide in her and she will give me advice if I ask for it. She has gotten to know me and still likes me. How cool is that?

So A told me that anytime I went to the city I should let her know so she could ride down with me and visit some friends. As many times as I have seen A it is rarely for very long and certainly not the 5 hours it takes to go the city. I was really looking forward to being able to talk and listen with her for hours. So I have a reason to go to the city coming up and guess what. It is the only weekend she has plans. It is sailing, which she loves, with another friend and his sailboat. I guess I'm relegated to a few minutes here and there whenever I run into her. Damn! Maybe another opportunity will come up, but this is the beginning of the really busy season and I may not be able to get away for a long time.

I try and keep my distance from A so I don't get drawn in and she has totally friend-zoned me so I know there is no hope. Especially as long as I am married. Maybe I should just finish off my marriage for good and get on with my life, but everything is so tied up it seems nearly impossible.

So I wrote an email to Ang. Not talking about A, just needed someone to listen to my general state of being. I think she is in Japan this week on business, but I know she will at least read it when she gets a chance. It is nice to have someone to listen, but I also try not to abuse that privilege. While it is my own doing, the heartache just keeps happening.

On the other hand, I am healthy, have a regular job, and a place to live, but apparently have some emotional needs that are not being met. I guess that is what I have bee looking for for quite a few years now.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

The continuing story of A

I saw A the middle of last week to give her a book I got from the author on something that A is working on for her future life. I had the author write a little something inside. I also had some Hershey Kisses in my pocket and asked if I could give her a kiss. Of course, before she answered I got one out of my pocket and put it in her hand. There were a few more in  my pocket and I told her she could have all of my kisses and gave them to her.

She gave me a hug and I left. She texted me the next day to say thanks again and mentioned she would be going out of town for the weekend to visit friends. I had to do some errands on Saturday and was nearby where she lives. I went and got the brush piles out of her front yard and got rid of them. She returned Monday evening and emailed me a nice thank you on Tuesday me reminding me that she would take me for a beer and fish and chips. I have to dog sit for a friend this month and really don't feel I can get away as I don't want to burden anyone else with my responsibility. I told her I needed to get to the city after the dog goes home and she asked if she could come along to go visit her friends. I told her I would enjoy her company for the long drive.

Sometimes I remind myself of Niles Crane from the Frasier TV show. He loved Daphne for years, but never would say or was in a position to do anything about it. Just as they were marrying other people that they thought they loved they finally spoke of their love for each other and eventually lived happily ever after. I know it's only a story, but I always have a glimmer of hope. Of course I know of all the reasons it is not likely to happen and I continually deny my feelings, but I can never crush them entirely. Then I'll see her in person and I just melt on the inside. Again I will try not to gush and make her think every moment away from her is painful. I'll just not contact her without a good reason. There are lots of things I would love to tell her, but won't. I just think about that stuff. I'll pretend to be hard to get for as long as I can stand it. Do I seem pathetic, yet?

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

I got away

I got to go away for about four days last weekend. It was off to an adult language and culture immersion camp. I had nearly forgotten how much fun it was to learn and laugh with new friends and old ones. Even if we only see each other once a year, but keep up a little on Facebook. It helps to shake off the back home relationships such as they are.

It reminds me that even if I am lost in my relationships at home and have been friend-zoned in others that there is still a world out there and possibilities for new friends and whatever else may come. It gives the self confidence and self worth a bit of a boost. After this past year I could really use that. Maybe I even started this blog because I remember some good times in the past and miss those.

Off to marriage counseling tomorrow, but the wife gave me some good thoughts the other day. She saw how much I enjoyed camp and explained that she understood that her dreams for the future and mine are probably not the same. As we only have so many years left on this side of the dirt she understands that I may want to go in a different direction. It is the most positive thing she has told me without strings attached. Maybe there is hope for the future. My future. In the meantime she still has severe jealousy issues. Rather than tell her I have talked to or seen anyone at all I just don't tell her. It's too bad really as it's easier for me to be up front about such things, but rather than have the potential hissy fit I just leave it alone and live in a separate world.

For the handful of you who read this blithering of mine I thank you. If you want to comment please do so. I am not terribly judgemental and I'M the one putting my foolishness out here for anyone to see. I'm not argumentative by nature and I honestly believe that I can learn something from nearly everyone out there. I will always be appreciative of any input given.

Sunday, April 23, 2017


Last fall I told A that I would haul a little pile of brush out of her yard after she trimmed some trees, etc. I reminded her a week ago that I would still do this (if nothing else, I am a man of my word) whenever it was convenient. She texted me and made an offer I could barely refuse. She would take me out for fish and chips if I hauled her brush. I have a weakness for good food and am easily bribed, but I just couldn't fit it in which bummed me right the hell out.

I stopped by her place just to check out the brush to see if I could do it in one load and I can. She showed me the area she cleared which is a lovely spot beneath a spruce tree in her back yard. Now I'll have to make her a bench to go there. It is something I enjoy doing and I know she will like it. I just need to make sure I don't seem too eager or stalky which is tough when you realize that you still adore someone after months of not seeing them with only a few words of communication. Sometimes I wish she wasn't so kind and I didn't enjoy her company so much.

Friendship is all I can allow myself and I am pretty sure that is all she can ever offer, so I am happy with that. I sure as hell enjoy her companionship when I have it.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Do for the Others

I got to see A last weekend for the first time in over three months. I guess I should have expected it as the activity was something we both enjoy and seek out. There were others there that I didn't really know with the exception of one. After the initial activity was over everyone was hanging around and after a while I felt like I was just taking up space. As I went to leave A and another friend asked if I would come along for a drink and dinner. I had nothing else to do and thought it might be fun.

It actually was. A and I caught up. I could see she wasn't as happy as I would like to see. It makes me want to do things for her to make her life a little better and more fun, but I'm not in a position to do more than little things and I doubt she would ask anything of me. As a friend she has all the permission she needs to ask anything of me just like any other friend, male or female. I guess doing things for other people makes me feel good and useful. Don't know if she knows or understands that and there is nothing I will do or say to help her out unless she asks.

Meanwhile, the wife has returned from a week down south and seems a little more relaxed. Her tension and stress were getting to me and the roommate and the break was a good thing. Still have a long way to go to resolve issues, if that ever happens, but we both have to deal with the realities of getting older as well.

At least I am not severely depressed like I was last fall. I am feeling okay about me and I seem to be getting a little more respect at home. I don't feel the need to just run away and leave my life behind. The logistics are more complicated than before, but that was always the joy of just leaving. Most of those things holding me back would just disappear once I left. No, I think I'll stick around for now, but there are still years to do what I need to to for me. I have been doing for others long enough.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Moving on

Silly me. I thought they were my friends. I haven't heard from e or A for a long time. I have sent a few texts, but never gotten a response. It's too bad, really, as they are both wonderful women, but I am apparently not worthy of any of their attention in any way. They can call the shots and I won't bother them any more. My feelings toward them will not change, as I have seen what wonderful humans they can be, but my reaction to them will.

Meanwhile, back in what passes for my daily life, I am still living in a house with my wife and going to counseling with her because it's all my fault that we are not doing well in our relationship. Realizing how long ago my feelings for her faded, but being responsible for a lot of things in our life I didn't feel I could leave. Now it is even more difficult. I would probably have to live in a tent, but summer is coming and it may not be such a bad idea. I could just claim a stall in the barn and fix it up, but I don't know if I could keep all the mice out. I'll have to bring a couple of the cats with me. There is water, electricity, and a roof, so it might not be that bad.

It has been over twenty years since I have had a sexual relationship with anyone and it is one of the things on my bucket list. Seeing as how no one has expressed any interest in that in as many years maybe I should consider calling a professional.  I have no idea if that is realistic, but I understand they are a few hundred dollars now and my general shortage of funds wouldn't allow it. Maybe if I save diligently for a while. I would probably have to go to the big city and figure out how to find one that wouldn't shoot me or give me a weird disease or something, but I have heard that there are some who offer a pretty high end service where those things are not an issue. That probably costs more money. In the long run that is probably cheaper than an actual relationship, however, when you consider all the ramifications. It will give me something to ponder as I try to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Last Chance

I'm going to marriage counseling with the wife next week. We have been seen together, but this is about the last shot. I really don't want to continue this marriage and I hope i can keep her discomfort to a minimum. Since we have talked out a lot of it I think it will all be okay.

Of course I can't really afford to live separately even if I badly want to. I have financial and maintenance obligations here on the farm so it would be difficult. If I can find a place in exchange for work it would be terrific, but this town has a real shortage of housing. Maybe I'll live in a tent on a back pasture or just put up a cheap rustic shack.

My depression is pretty much gone and I am a lot happier these days, but still have my melancholy moments. My dreams of what can still happen in my life keep me going. The mess in D.C. does its best to ruin everything, but I will fight that, too.

I haven't heard from A since before her trip to Mexico. I have dropped her a few lines, but never hear back. She is obviously ignoring me. Probably for my own benefit. At least that is what I can think unless she lets me know something else. I never told her that I love her, but she isn't blind, deaf, and dumb, and I'm probably not that good at hiding my feelings. I can never expect anything back and that's okay. It was a privilege knowing her and her initials are carved on my heart, where there are only two other sets from a long, long time ago. A is a rare gem and there will always be a fond memory of her.

It was different than the usual crush that comes along every five years or so. Maybe it was her kindness, but I won't over analyze anything and just let it go. I am still in occasional contact with the other two sets of initials. I hope that can happen with A someday.

Monday, March 6, 2017

A new life

A new life would be nice. Taking some elements of the old one along would be necessary. Abandoning ship and running away would be a little silly at this point in my life. Wouldn't be the first time, though.

Having created a life that has been a complete anchor for the last twenty years seemed okay for a while, but more like a trap for the last five years. Heavy obligations aren't easy to blow off. I really don't need much, but I need something. I have a few good friends, but none are closer than five hours away. I will be seeing them in a few weeks. A little space between me and the world I live in and have created will be a good thing and hopefully not too late.

The longer days have helped and pursuing outside interests has been helpful in my recovery from one of the darkest depressions I have ever experienced. I have to credit A with being a lifeline. Had she not been there I would not likely be here at all. I can never repay her, nor would she probably let me, but I will always be in her debt and grateful for her companionship. I hope I did her no harm through everything. She will always have a special place in my heart and in my mind.

I can't predict what the future will bring, but I will check in from time to time. It has been fun getting to remember some special people in my life and getting to know a few new special people. I wouldn't have thought they were out there, but they were. Spring is a time of rebirth and growth. I am long overdue for both.

Monday, February 20, 2017

New Friends

It has been a while since my crush on e, but given time it seems to have become a nice friendship. We text once in a while and see each other for moments here and there. I still think she's cute and sexy in a primitive sort of way (which I prefer) and I am less tense and more relaxed around her. I think she likes that better, too. She is younger than me, but not as young as A.

 I haven't seen A for two months and have only exchanged a handful of texts. She is so sweet and vulnerable, but our age difference is a big deal to me. I can adore her all I want, but wouldn't want to tie up her life and then go and die. It would be so unfair. The good thing is that she doesn't have that kind of interest in me anyway. I think I can handle being in her presence now. I still think she is one of the most wonderful people I ever met, but a serious reality check was in order. Hard to get my brain to override my heart, but it had to happen.

Been talking to the wife about separation. She has been treating me very nicely for a while now. Her drinking is getting back toward its usual overindulgence, however. She still loves me, she says, and even after twenty some years of sex-free living she is starting to hint that it may be a possibility. I have never betrayed that aspect of our lives, but after this long it will take a lot of convincing before I really consider it. I like her most of the time, but what we have is not a marriage to me. Don't think I'll ever want a marriage again. Once was enough. An occasional girlfriend would be nice, though. Who knows if it will ever happen. It may not be all that important after all and I think I would be fine as an independent spirit. I like company, but it has a price that I may not be willing to pay anymore. Then again, you just never know what will be around the next corner. 

Saturday, February 4, 2017

It makes no difference

That's the title of a song by The Band that is one of the saddest unrequited love songs I know. That and the Ray Charles version of You Don't Know Me.

The difference between them is that in It Makes No Difference there was once a love that is no more.
It makes no difference where I turn
I can't get over you and the flame still burns
It makes no difference, night or day
The shadow never seems to fade away

 And this:
 Now there's no love
As true as the love
That dies untold

Then Ray Charles sings about a woman he loves, but they are just friends and he must watch her go away with some other guy.

 No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me 

Then at the end:

Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me) 

I Imagine we have all gone through this and it hurts often with a pain that is debilitating, but what can you do.

My friend A is like the last one. I am sure she knows my feelings are strong, but that I won't do anything about them. I haven't seen her for a month and a half and we have only sent a few texts and I had hoped my feelings would wane as they usually do after time. They haven't, but I wish they would. She is going to Mexico for a vacation and I assume not going alone. I always wish her the greatest of happiness and I always hope her life turns out the way she wants it to knowing I can never really be a part of it.

She is the only one of my friends and acquaintances that knows this blog exists, but I am pretty sure she doesn't read this, otherwise I wouldn't have written this. She was very kind to me at a time when no one else was or had any idea how far down I had gone. Maybe that was what drew me in. Of course, everything I know about her just makes me care more. Unfortunately, nothing will ever come of it so I learn to live with the pain. I can sometimes push it aside, but it's always there to remind me that there is someone in the world like her.

But it makes no difference and she'll never know.  

Thursday, January 19, 2017


Jill was a friend all through college.  She was a cute and petite woman from the large, nearby, Midwestern city.  For four years we kidded and teased each other with double entendres and gave each other suggestive looks. But like everything else at school nothing ever came of it and I was sure most of the women there, no matter how lovely, were intending to stay virgins until marriage or become nuns. While I dreamed and drooled over some of them I never heard of many sexual escapades among them. 

After graduation I decided to stay in town for the summer and get some sort of job as I still had to eat and pay rent. I took a room in a house with a bunch of guys I knew and paid about $36 a month for me and my dog and paid my share of the utilities which amounted to another five or ten dollars depending on my long distance bill. 

Early on a hot summer evening while I was sitting around doing nothing, which was the thing I was best qualified to do, a woman came walking down the street to the house. That in itself was rare, but it was none other than my flirty friend Jill! 

We were genuine college graduates now and considered to be adults in some circles. Well, we caught up on our post graduate lives and flirted some more only this time it was different. We didn’t have to stop at innuendos. Nope, we kept right on flirting and acting upon our promises and threats until we ended up in my room. We kept the poor dog awake all night with our endless sexual escapades. Four years of foreplay had done its trick and we didn’t stop until we were completely exhausted and the sun had risen again. We were sated and sore, but smiling. She headed out for the big city after getting a little sleep and I wanted to see her again. 

A week or two later I hitchhiked and walked to her house, but she wasn’t home. I did talk to her parents at some point and found out she was out of town at the moment. She also had a boyfriend. Uh-oh.  Well, what we had was a one-time thing, unfortunately, and I never saw her again. About ten years later I ran into her parents at the resort where I worked and asked about her. It was long after that glorious night and they told me she was on her third marriage as they rolled their eyes.

It has been over forty years since that wild and lusty evening and if I ever run into her again I hope I would be able to talk her into trying a repeat performance. We probably couldn’t accomplish that, but it would sure be fun to try.