Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Dreams

It's cold and lonely here. All I seem to have are memories to keep me warm. People are nice enough, but can't be depended upon. There is only me for that.

I don't know how to gracefully end a relationship. Maybe just go away, but that leaves so many things hanging and I have responsibilities that will get dumped on someone else. I don't want to do that to anyone, but I can't seem to leave. The guilt would kill me or make me kill myself, I just don't know. Of course, that is the quick and easy way out.

My dreams are becoming unreachable and impractical, slowly being snuffed out by reality. When they're gone, then what? Maybe there is too much Walter Mitty in me. Sometimes I feel as though I am losing interest in the few things I used to enjoy. Just getting tired now. Is there any point to going on? I don't know, but my curiosity about what is around the bend hasn't let me down yet. I just don't know where to go and with only 20 or 30 years left what would be useful and fulfilling?

Having someone warm to share it with would be nice, but it may not work out that way. As far as the grass being greener I have doubts as to there being any grass at all. Again, that is only the stuff of dreams.

You walked in

You walked in to the store. When you saw me you gave me that warm smile and you looked so beautiful that I wanted to shove everyone out of the way just to be near you. Of course I didn't and I had to leave in order to keep it together. I was already late getting back to work and I wandered back to my vehicle in a daze. I so much wanted to just hold you and not let go and was ready to make a fool of myself over you in front of all those people. My feelings for you are too strong. I'm not supposed to do this and can't imagine you could come even close to feeling the same way. My heart was breaking and I had to pretend everything was okay. It isn't.

You have always taken the high road in our friendship and never led me on or implied anything beyond that. I go along with that as I don't want to lose that friendship. It means so much to me at this vulnerable time in my life. You are wise beyond your years and gifted much more than you have shown.

The difference in our ages is something I use for defense. As an idealist I know it shouldn't matter, but as a pragmatic person I know that for anything deeper and longer lasting it does matter. You wouldn't want to be left alone too soon in your life. The difference between The Donald and Melania is greater, but I am not a billionaire. I am barely a thousandaire.

Hope I haven't scared you away.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Collecting my thoughts

When reminiscing about these current and past relationships I recall some things in common. Mostly kindness and affection. They are important to me and part of a full relationship. I have not been in a full relationship in decades, that is one that has all the ingredients including a sexual part. It is the reason I will likely leave my wife pretty soon.

It will be like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire or trading the devil I know for one I don't. There are probably some better analogies, but none come to me at the moment. It's true that I am older now and not the hot young stud of my youth (if you believe that I've got a bridge...) and I have no idea of what is realistically available out there to me.  I have met some lovely young women that made my heart beat faster, but they are so much younger than I that I can't imagine they would be interested in anything more than a friendship. Someone their own age would have more to offer I would think. They are merely the stuff of fantasies. The woman I refer to as A would likely be a good fit for me, but I don't think I do anything for her, and the age difference would likely be a turn off for her. At least we are friends and confidants when we need it.

I may never find anything out there, but where there is life there is hope. I don't really expect anything, but my own independence would certainly open up some options. I could pursue my own interests to a greater extent and do much more traveling. Mostly to visit friends, but also to travel abroad with my brother or a friend should I get lucky enough to find one that is interested. It would be nice to not feel any guilt for visiting family in Europe because I'm leaving someone else to do chores on the farm. I don't have a lot and will certainly have less after a divorce, but I am frugal when it is just me. I'll be okay.  

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Dear Diary

Realizing that I am aging and not attractive to anyone anymore is the reality that creeps up on a person eventually. I guess that comes to everyone at sometime. Being old and married doesn't do anything for my ego, especially if my wife has had no sexual desire for over 20 years.

Making friends with younger attractive women has helped, but only leads to disappointment in the end as there will never be anything else there. It really is a shame. Having an infatuation toward e was fun, but when nothing could ever come of it things just fade. Even if I weren't married I seriously doubt anything would have happened. Meeting and getting to know A was different, though. She is over twenty years younger, but is the kind of person I would normally spend or like to spend a lot of time with. While she is very attractive to me I cannot say that I am overly attracted to her sexually. I am sure it would be awesome, but it is her kindness, gentleness, and vulnerability that I find so alluring. I find myself wanting to take care of her and be her companion. Of course, nothing can or will ever come of it. I have a grasp on reality that does nothing but make me feel bad.

A number of years ago there was a local couple who were well known and very likeable. I only knew them in passing, but they seemed to have a nice social life. One day in the summer the husband went missing. They found his empty boat and eventually found him under water in a lake with a weight tied to his body. He had committed suicide by drowning himself. It seems he had a woman he deeply loved, but could not have. Apparently this love had been going on for years. He was Catholic and quite religious and could not reconcile his relationship with his wife or the woman he loved. He felt that he was unable to divorce his wife as it was against his religious notions. I guess the pain and anguish got to be too much and he took the only way out he could think of. Even though I am not religious I can understand his dilemma and it has always stayed in the back of my mind.

My wife says she loves me, but has removed on of the main ways I could express my love for her. Between that and her love of wine and control issues I don't know that I love her anymore. I fear the process of divorce and also the feeling of being alone should I attempt to go through with it. Who knows what would await on the other side. A chance to love again? Probably not, but at least I would get to be selfish and pursue my interests without having to be constantly accountable to someone else. 

I guess we'll have to see where it all goes. Or not.