Monday, November 28, 2016

Anyone out there?

It's probably just as well that no one reads the ramblings of a lonely lunatic. I know I shouldn't be lonely as the whole universe is inside me according to Eastern thought. According to the 12 steps of Al Anon I should be working on my own betterment. There is plenty of room for improvement and learning to love myself would be a good thing. It seems that doing for others makes me feel useful and valuable as a human being. I should get satisfaction from that and I do to a point. My biggest issue (at the moment anyway) is that my brain and my heart have trouble coexisting.

This has been a recurring theme throughout my life unless I am in a functioning relationship where both parties needs are being met. I have been okay without being in a relationship, but it was so long ago.

While I did give A the address of this blog and she read it at one time, I am pretty sure that was enough for her. She is the only one I trust with my secrets, desires, and crazy thoughts. Just part of why she is so special to me. There doesn't seem to be anyone reading and I rarely link it to or from anything else except another blog or two. It is mostly just an exercise in self therapy, I guess, to keep me from going nuts on the inside. I'm pretty good at disguising those thoughts from most people because I practice passing for normal and spilling my guts to anyone would be something quite pathetic to most. I have already embarrassed myself in front of A which had to have lowered her opinion of me a notch. Fortunately, she is over 20 years younger than me and while she has the knowledge and understanding of someone much older I try to focus on that difference in order to put up some kind of shield to try and keep me from wanting her so much. It doesn't work very well, but there are many closer to her own age that would appeal to her much more than I ever could. It's just like the picture above. 

Enough rambling. If there is an actual person out there that has read any of this blithering please leave a comment. Anonymously if you wish, but something to let me know I am not as alone as I think I am. Who knows, reading this may make someone feel better about themselves. You just never know.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Old fool

That would be me. Just a pathetic old man in a loveless, sexless marriage mostly wallowing in self pity. Not a pretty picture and I am sure I am probably not alone. How does one justify getting up in the morning and going about the day?

I have been fortunate in the last year to run across two women that made me smile. It is usually many many years between such an event. Both much younger and single, both having loved in the past only to have it end in a sad way. E was exciting and interesting, but wound kind of tight. Infatuated at first, she was a great diversion from my dull routine. We were and are friends which is good, but the better I got to know her the more my fantasy weakened. Classic infatuation it was. It still makes me smile when I get to visit with her as she really is a wonderful young woman.

A is a friend of e's and even younger. However, she is gentler, calmer, more empathic and kind, introspective, and has a fun sense of humor. She makes me weak in the knees and her hugs are the warmest contact I have had with another human being in decades. It is just who she is. She carries a torch for a former love and has admitted to making a bit of a fool of herself over him. Well, leave it up to me to do the same to her. I had a couple of drinks late in the afternoon and started to write to her. I got quickly carried away and confessed my feelings to her. I hit the delete button, but had apparently sent the note before doing that. Oops! I don't remember exactly what I said, but I am pretty sure she didn't need to hear it. When she responded a few hours later by forgiving me and confessing to doing similar things I felt both relieved and embarrassed. I really adore her, but I am pretty sure she'll never be interested in me as anything more than a friend. It does seem, however that she may be one of the best friends I may ever know. I have revealed to her the inner workings of my alleged mind and she still talks to me! How amazing is that?

Why I set myself up for such pain and embarrassment is beyond me. Both of these women have so much to offer, but just not to me. And why should they?  I am fairly used up and they are both young, beautiful, and vibrant. Why they are single is beyond my understanding. Why I think either could be interested in me as anything more than a friend is sheer stupidity. I hate being stupid, but I also hate being lonely for the rest of my life.

I should get a divorce and let the wife get on with her life and I could get on with mine. I just don't see mine going anywhere. I should probably go live with the only other person who I love and who loves me back. My brother. That's probably where I'll end up anyway. I can try and outlive my wife and be more financially independent when I am left, but if there was a chance at true happiness I should divorce soon. Don't know if I would find anything or anyone, but just the chance may be worth the strain. To find a mutual love would be a wonderful thing. Could it happen? I don't know, so for now I will just reminisce about the women I loved or at least liked a hell of a lot and plod on until I can no longer stand it. Some days I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again. Then the pain would be gone.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Ruth

Way back in the mid 70s I worked in a Midwestern hospital. There was a staff size of about 3300 people, so those were the ones I met and socialized with. Ruth had just started working there and was a tall, dark-haired young woman with a certain sweetness that one finds in Midwestern women. She was married and had a year old son, but things were not rosy for her. I found out that she had separated from her husband. He was in pharmacy school at the time.

When you are in your mid twenties and there is a very mutual attraction it can be difficult not to act on it. However, this was my first time where there had been a child involved which added a new level of consideration. When the child was with the husband we could do as we pleased, but, of course when she was in possession it was different and we wouldn't see each other much as the custody of the boy was in turmoil.

Both her family and her husband's families were very religious, very traditional and somewhat fundamental and thought marriage was a permanent way of being for people who didn't get along. Ruth was being manipulated and torn in directions that no one should have to endure. Her son was a pawn in these games even though he was too young to understand. A mother's instincts are strong and can be used against her as in this case.

Our affair was brief, but passionate. It was her first time knowing the kind passion that was a complete giving of oneself, if only for a short time.

As you can imagine, she had to do what she had to do to gain custody of her son even if it meant leaving town and going back to her hometown to be talked into staying with her husband. Our hearts were broken and I wondered for years how it all turned out for her.

Welcome to modern times and social networking. Remembering names from forty years ago and taking time to look up possibilities led to me finding her on Facebook. We caught up for a few weeks and I found that she had indeed divorced her husband of that time and three others since. She remembered the passion and said she had found it about two other times, but not with her 4th and current husband. Her son is in the diplomatic corps and she has a daughter who is due to have a child in a few months. She is reasonably happy in her life, but just from our correspondence I can see that there is still a little spark. We'll probably stay in touch, but we live far apart and in different worlds now. At least there are some nice memories and I now know she is okay.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Sylvia

This goes back a long time to when I worked in the Big City. I remind you that there were a few closer relationships at the place I worked and this is one of those.

Sylvia already worked in the office when I started working there. She lived with Debbie who worked in purchasing, where I also worked for part of the time I was there. She had curly blonde hair a ready smile and laugh and a genuinely sweet personality. While she was no ravishing beauty (who is, really) she was easy to be around and always had a positive energy with a great sense of humor. Sylvia was usually at company functions and parties where there would be some of us employees so we got to know each other fairly well over a few years.

At some point we found ourselves between boyfriends/girlfriends and took a little more interest in each other. It was easy to care about each other because we already did and eventually we got physical which was mutually beneficial and very enjoyable. I guess that lasted as long as it needed to and eventually we were just friends again, but every once in a while we would catch a knowing smile or a little sparkle in the eyes that let each of us know we were special to the other.

We both found people to marry after some time and always wished the best  for each other. She married a great guy and I really hope they lived happily ever after.