Monday, August 29, 2016

Expressing love and friendship

There is a way of expressing love that has a Buddhist idea behind it. I am not a Buddhist, but I admire their teachings, at least what little I understand.

I read that love can be a gift given freely without expectation of reciprocation or even acknowledgement. In other words, I can give love to someone in order to get it out of me. Whether the other person accepts it is of no real consequence. It is theirs whether or not they want it or want to ignore it or anything in between. It is mine to give and makes me feel better. I can only hope the other person can take something from it.

I suppose the same thing would even work for friendship. If given unconditionally it is still given. If the receiver of such a gift was adamant about not wanting it that person would have to do something quite hateful to make me regret the gift. As I am not a hateful person by nature that would be possible, but unlikely.

I am not sure, though, if the gifts of love and friendship would cause hurt to the person the are given to what should be done. Offer a retraction? I don't want to cause anyone pain or even discomfort, so I guess I would have to determine if an offer of love or friendship would be taken badly. In other words I should be very sure of my offer and not take it lightly even if the desire to blurt it out was strong.  

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Obsessive Thoughts

I try to be a decent human being, but sometimes I fail miserably. At least to me it is a failure. Sometimes I fall into obsessive thought patterns that I just can't break out of. I hope no one notices and I hope my behaviors don't frighten or put anyone off. I do my best to hide them, but I don't know if I always succeed

You can see an example of these with my postings about e. I could not for the life of me shake her constant presence in my mind. The thoughts were not evil or sexual, but just thoughts about what a fascinating and warm person she is. At least that is how I see her. Reality may be different, but I distort reality to bend toward my view of the world.

I woke up in the middle of the night with these thoughts just a few days ago. After about an hour of tossing and turning I tried to relax myself back to sleep. Then a memory came into my head about an old girlfriend I haven't mentioned yet. Donna. She will, no doubt, get several posts.

It was back in the late 70s and I was flying back to the Twin Cities after a Christmas at my parents house back East. Donna picked me up at the airport and took me to a concert with Taj Mahal and Leon Redbone. I don't remember if we had something to eat first or not. That part of the memory has faded.  We found our seats and tried to get comfortable which is always difficult in Minnesota in winter because of the many layers of clothing that are being worn to keep from freezing.

We hadn't see each other for a week or so and there was a bit of desire going on when we weren't listening to the music. At some point during the concert I realized that Donna wasn't wearing any underwear which wound me up a little more. It was the kind of thing she would do occasionally just to tease. After the concert was over we dashed home to one of our places, probably mine, and had a night of passionate lovemaking since the foreplay had been going on for a couple of hours. It was intense.

After remembering that in the middle of the night I was able to get back to sleep with a smile on my face. Thinking back on that night seems to have at least partially broken my though patterns. For this I am grateful. Whether it holds or not we will have to wait and see, but I can conjure up this memory to at least interfere with it and that is a good thing.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Dear e

Dear e,
It was fun helping you move to your new digs. It was my pleasure to do it. I was very well behaved as any friend should be, but after a day or two I started missing you again. I thought I was past the infatuation stage, but maybe not. I still get thoughts wondering what it would be like to throw away my current life just for a chance to spend some time with you. I am clueless to know if it would work out between us and I have my doubts, but I sure seem to crave your company. 

Don't worry. I am still in control of my behavior, but my feelings are what they are and go where they want. Now you are leaving town for a few weeks. I will miss you terribly, but I will drop you a note or two containing mostly small talk and maybe a joke or two. It will just let you know you have a good friend here. I will pretend that is all I ever want to be.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

E AGAIN

Dear e,

I thought I was getting past the infatuation part and I think I probably am as I don't feel physically sick when I think about you. If I let my mind dwell on you then it will creep back in, but it is less now. Maybe it will be easier to have a normal friendship with you. This decrease in intensity of feelings is a relief, but if I get feeling lonely I still want to be with you. Knowing it can't or won't happen doesn't make it better, just makes me feel a bit sad. Being friend-zoned isn't the worst way to be, but it is what must be.

Helping you move was an honor. I thought the four of us did quite well and I was surprised by the relative ease of the process. I hope you enjoy your new digs. All I have to do now is think of some activity we can do in a group. I think you would shy away from the two of us doing something together. I probably should, too. It might be harder on me than I think. Probably not on you, but you might feel a bit awkward. I don't want to do that to you. You've got your own problems.

I'll try and leave you alone for a while. Maybe you'll miss me. I always miss you.