Saturday, December 3, 2016

Dear Diary

Realizing that I am aging and not attractive to anyone anymore is the reality that creeps up on a person eventually. I guess that comes to everyone at sometime. Being old and married doesn't do anything for my ego, especially if my wife has had no sexual desire for over 20 years.

Making friends with younger attractive women has helped, but only leads to disappointment in the end as there will never be anything else there. It really is a shame. Having an infatuation toward e was fun, but when nothing could ever come of it things just fade. Even if I weren't married I seriously doubt anything would have happened. Meeting and getting to know A was different, though. She is over twenty years younger, but is the kind of person I would normally spend or like to spend a lot of time with. While she is very attractive to me I cannot say that I am overly attracted to her sexually. I am sure it would be awesome, but it is her kindness, gentleness, and vulnerability that I find so alluring. I find myself wanting to take care of her and be her companion. Of course, nothing can or will ever come of it. I have a grasp on reality that does nothing but make me feel bad.

A number of years ago there was a local couple who were well known and very likeable. I only knew them in passing, but they seemed to have a nice social life. One day in the summer the husband went missing. They found his empty boat and eventually found him under water in a lake with a weight tied to his body. He had committed suicide by drowning himself. It seems he had a woman he deeply loved, but could not have. Apparently this love had been going on for years. He was Catholic and quite religious and could not reconcile his relationship with his wife or the woman he loved. He felt that he was unable to divorce his wife as it was against his religious notions. I guess the pain and anguish got to be too much and he took the only way out he could think of. Even though I am not religious I can understand his dilemma and it has always stayed in the back of my mind.

My wife says she loves me, but has removed on of the main ways I could express my love for her. Between that and her love of wine and control issues I don't know that I love her anymore. I fear the process of divorce and also the feeling of being alone should I attempt to go through with it. Who knows what would await on the other side. A chance to love again? Probably not, but at least I would get to be selfish and pursue my interests without having to be constantly accountable to someone else. 

I guess we'll have to see where it all goes. Or not. 

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