When reminiscing about these current and past relationships I recall some things in common. Mostly kindness and affection. They are important to me and part of a full relationship. I have not been in a full relationship in decades, that is one that has all the ingredients including a sexual part. It is the reason I will likely leave my wife pretty soon.
It will be like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire or trading the devil I know for one I don't. There are probably some better analogies, but none come to me at the moment. It's true that I am older now and not the hot young stud of my youth (if you believe that I've got a bridge...) and I have no idea of what is realistically available out there to me. I have met some lovely young women that made my heart beat faster, but they are so much younger than I that I can't imagine they would be interested in anything more than a friendship. Someone their own age would have more to offer I would think. They are merely the stuff of fantasies. The woman I refer to as A would likely be a good fit for me, but I don't think I do anything for her, and the age difference would likely be a turn off for her. At least we are friends and confidants when we need it.
I may never find anything out there, but where there is life there is hope. I don't really expect anything, but my own independence would certainly open up some options. I could pursue my own interests to a greater extent and do much more traveling. Mostly to visit friends, but also to travel abroad with my brother or a friend should I get lucky enough to find one that is interested. It would be nice to not feel any guilt for visiting family in Europe because I'm leaving someone else to do chores on the farm. I don't have a lot and will certainly have less after a divorce, but I am frugal when it is just me. I'll be okay.