Saturday, November 26, 2016

Old fool

That would be me. Just a pathetic old man in a loveless, sexless marriage mostly wallowing in self pity. Not a pretty picture and I am sure I am probably not alone. How does one justify getting up in the morning and going about the day?

I have been fortunate in the last year to run across two women that made me smile. It is usually many many years between such an event. Both much younger and single, both having loved in the past only to have it end in a sad way. E was exciting and interesting, but wound kind of tight. Infatuated at first, she was a great diversion from my dull routine. We were and are friends which is good, but the better I got to know her the more my fantasy weakened. Classic infatuation it was. It still makes me smile when I get to visit with her as she really is a wonderful young woman.

A is a friend of e's and even younger. However, she is gentler, calmer, more empathic and kind, introspective, and has a fun sense of humor. She makes me weak in the knees and her hugs are the warmest contact I have had with another human being in decades. It is just who she is. She carries a torch for a former love and has admitted to making a bit of a fool of herself over him. Well, leave it up to me to do the same to her. I had a couple of drinks late in the afternoon and started to write to her. I got quickly carried away and confessed my feelings to her. I hit the delete button, but had apparently sent the note before doing that. Oops! I don't remember exactly what I said, but I am pretty sure she didn't need to hear it. When she responded a few hours later by forgiving me and confessing to doing similar things I felt both relieved and embarrassed. I really adore her, but I am pretty sure she'll never be interested in me as anything more than a friend. It does seem, however that she may be one of the best friends I may ever know. I have revealed to her the inner workings of my alleged mind and she still talks to me! How amazing is that?

Why I set myself up for such pain and embarrassment is beyond me. Both of these women have so much to offer, but just not to me. And why should they?  I am fairly used up and they are both young, beautiful, and vibrant. Why they are single is beyond my understanding. Why I think either could be interested in me as anything more than a friend is sheer stupidity. I hate being stupid, but I also hate being lonely for the rest of my life.

I should get a divorce and let the wife get on with her life and I could get on with mine. I just don't see mine going anywhere. I should probably go live with the only other person who I love and who loves me back. My brother. That's probably where I'll end up anyway. I can try and outlive my wife and be more financially independent when I am left, but if there was a chance at true happiness I should divorce soon. Don't know if I would find anything or anyone, but just the chance may be worth the strain. To find a mutual love would be a wonderful thing. Could it happen? I don't know, so for now I will just reminisce about the women I loved or at least liked a hell of a lot and plod on until I can no longer stand it. Some days I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again. Then the pain would be gone.

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