Monday, November 28, 2016

Anyone out there?

It's probably just as well that no one reads the ramblings of a lonely lunatic. I know I shouldn't be lonely as the whole universe is inside me according to Eastern thought. According to the 12 steps of Al Anon I should be working on my own betterment. There is plenty of room for improvement and learning to love myself would be a good thing. It seems that doing for others makes me feel useful and valuable as a human being. I should get satisfaction from that and I do to a point. My biggest issue (at the moment anyway) is that my brain and my heart have trouble coexisting.

This has been a recurring theme throughout my life unless I am in a functioning relationship where both parties needs are being met. I have been okay without being in a relationship, but it was so long ago.

While I did give A the address of this blog and she read it at one time, I am pretty sure that was enough for her. She is the only one I trust with my secrets, desires, and crazy thoughts. Just part of why she is so special to me. There doesn't seem to be anyone reading and I rarely link it to or from anything else except another blog or two. It is mostly just an exercise in self therapy, I guess, to keep me from going nuts on the inside. I'm pretty good at disguising those thoughts from most people because I practice passing for normal and spilling my guts to anyone would be something quite pathetic to most. I have already embarrassed myself in front of A which had to have lowered her opinion of me a notch. Fortunately, she is over 20 years younger than me and while she has the knowledge and understanding of someone much older I try to focus on that difference in order to put up some kind of shield to try and keep me from wanting her so much. It doesn't work very well, but there are many closer to her own age that would appeal to her much more than I ever could. It's just like the picture above. 

Enough rambling. If there is an actual person out there that has read any of this blithering please leave a comment. Anonymously if you wish, but something to let me know I am not as alone as I think I am. Who knows, reading this may make someone feel better about themselves. You just never know.

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