I try to be a decent human being, but sometimes I fail miserably. At least to me it is a failure. Sometimes I fall into obsessive thought patterns that I just can't break out of. I hope no one notices and I hope my behaviors don't frighten or put anyone off. I do my best to hide them, but I don't know if I always succeed
You can see an example of these with my postings about e. I could not for the life of me shake her constant presence in my mind. The thoughts were not evil or sexual, but just thoughts about what a fascinating and warm person she is. At least that is how I see her. Reality may be different, but I distort reality to bend toward my view of the world.
I woke up in the middle of the night with these thoughts just a few days ago. After about an hour of tossing and turning I tried to relax myself back to sleep. Then a memory came into my head about an old girlfriend I haven't mentioned yet. Donna. She will, no doubt, get several posts.
It was back in the late 70s and I was flying back to the Twin Cities after a Christmas at my parents house back East. Donna picked me up at the airport and took me to a concert with Taj Mahal and Leon Redbone. I don't remember if we had something to eat first or not. That part of the memory has faded. We found our seats and tried to get comfortable which is always difficult in Minnesota in winter because of the many layers of clothing that are being worn to keep from freezing.
We hadn't see each other for a week or so and there was a bit of desire going on when we weren't listening to the music. At some point during the concert I realized that Donna wasn't wearing any underwear which wound me up a little more. It was the kind of thing she would do occasionally just to tease. After the concert was over we dashed home to one of our places, probably mine, and had a night of passionate lovemaking since the foreplay had been going on for a couple of hours. It was intense.
After remembering that in the middle of the night I was able to get back to sleep with a smile on my face. Thinking back on that night seems to have at least partially broken my though patterns. For this I am grateful. Whether it holds or not we will have to wait and see, but I can conjure up this memory to at least interfere with it and that is a good thing.