Thursday, July 28, 2016

I still want to be with you

Dear e,

I think I could have loved you and you could have loved me. Being married makes that not an option for either of us. Were you ever married? Ever in love?

Twenty years with little or no affection has done me in and I don't know if I should wait and try to outlive her or just divorce. Everything she and I have, materialistically, is right here. It would be tough economically, but I have been poor before. I have a lot of thinking to do.

It's probably too late for you and me, anyway. Yes we are friends, but you won't go beyond that. I understand. I know you've been hurt before falling in love with a married man. I know you did the best you could, but it cost you dearly.

Even though I am fifteen years older than you I don't feel a difference. Do you?  It's times like this I really hate my life. I think I'll just go out to the garage, play some guitar and cry in my beer. Alone. I've been that way for so long it feels normal, but I don't think it is.

You'll never see this. It's just between me and no one, but know that I wanted to be the man you could love and trust. I know it won't happen and maybe I'll just fantasize now and then about a life that could have been. Not the life I had. If it wouldn't hurt you so much I would tell you that I love you and that you could react without restriction.

Damn.  

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