Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Dreams

It's cold and lonely here. All I seem to have are memories to keep me warm. People are nice enough, but can't be depended upon. There is only me for that.

I don't know how to gracefully end a relationship. Maybe just go away, but that leaves so many things hanging and I have responsibilities that will get dumped on someone else. I don't want to do that to anyone, but I can't seem to leave. The guilt would kill me or make me kill myself, I just don't know. Of course, that is the quick and easy way out.

My dreams are becoming unreachable and impractical, slowly being snuffed out by reality. When they're gone, then what? Maybe there is too much Walter Mitty in me. Sometimes I feel as though I am losing interest in the few things I used to enjoy. Just getting tired now. Is there any point to going on? I don't know, but my curiosity about what is around the bend hasn't let me down yet. I just don't know where to go and with only 20 or 30 years left what would be useful and fulfilling?

Having someone warm to share it with would be nice, but it may not work out that way. As far as the grass being greener I have doubts as to there being any grass at all. Again, that is only the stuff of dreams.

You walked in

You walked in to the store. When you saw me you gave me that warm smile and you looked so beautiful that I wanted to shove everyone out of the way just to be near you. Of course I didn't and I had to leave in order to keep it together. I was already late getting back to work and I wandered back to my vehicle in a daze. I so much wanted to just hold you and not let go and was ready to make a fool of myself over you in front of all those people. My feelings for you are too strong. I'm not supposed to do this and can't imagine you could come even close to feeling the same way. My heart was breaking and I had to pretend everything was okay. It isn't.

You have always taken the high road in our friendship and never led me on or implied anything beyond that. I go along with that as I don't want to lose that friendship. It means so much to me at this vulnerable time in my life. You are wise beyond your years and gifted much more than you have shown.

The difference in our ages is something I use for defense. As an idealist I know it shouldn't matter, but as a pragmatic person I know that for anything deeper and longer lasting it does matter. You wouldn't want to be left alone too soon in your life. The difference between The Donald and Melania is greater, but I am not a billionaire. I am barely a thousandaire.

Hope I haven't scared you away.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Collecting my thoughts

When reminiscing about these current and past relationships I recall some things in common. Mostly kindness and affection. They are important to me and part of a full relationship. I have not been in a full relationship in decades, that is one that has all the ingredients including a sexual part. It is the reason I will likely leave my wife pretty soon.

It will be like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire or trading the devil I know for one I don't. There are probably some better analogies, but none come to me at the moment. It's true that I am older now and not the hot young stud of my youth (if you believe that I've got a bridge...) and I have no idea of what is realistically available out there to me.  I have met some lovely young women that made my heart beat faster, but they are so much younger than I that I can't imagine they would be interested in anything more than a friendship. Someone their own age would have more to offer I would think. They are merely the stuff of fantasies. The woman I refer to as A would likely be a good fit for me, but I don't think I do anything for her, and the age difference would likely be a turn off for her. At least we are friends and confidants when we need it.

I may never find anything out there, but where there is life there is hope. I don't really expect anything, but my own independence would certainly open up some options. I could pursue my own interests to a greater extent and do much more traveling. Mostly to visit friends, but also to travel abroad with my brother or a friend should I get lucky enough to find one that is interested. It would be nice to not feel any guilt for visiting family in Europe because I'm leaving someone else to do chores on the farm. I don't have a lot and will certainly have less after a divorce, but I am frugal when it is just me. I'll be okay.  

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Dear Diary

Realizing that I am aging and not attractive to anyone anymore is the reality that creeps up on a person eventually. I guess that comes to everyone at sometime. Being old and married doesn't do anything for my ego, especially if my wife has had no sexual desire for over 20 years.

Making friends with younger attractive women has helped, but only leads to disappointment in the end as there will never be anything else there. It really is a shame. Having an infatuation toward e was fun, but when nothing could ever come of it things just fade. Even if I weren't married I seriously doubt anything would have happened. Meeting and getting to know A was different, though. She is over twenty years younger, but is the kind of person I would normally spend or like to spend a lot of time with. While she is very attractive to me I cannot say that I am overly attracted to her sexually. I am sure it would be awesome, but it is her kindness, gentleness, and vulnerability that I find so alluring. I find myself wanting to take care of her and be her companion. Of course, nothing can or will ever come of it. I have a grasp on reality that does nothing but make me feel bad.

A number of years ago there was a local couple who were well known and very likeable. I only knew them in passing, but they seemed to have a nice social life. One day in the summer the husband went missing. They found his empty boat and eventually found him under water in a lake with a weight tied to his body. He had committed suicide by drowning himself. It seems he had a woman he deeply loved, but could not have. Apparently this love had been going on for years. He was Catholic and quite religious and could not reconcile his relationship with his wife or the woman he loved. He felt that he was unable to divorce his wife as it was against his religious notions. I guess the pain and anguish got to be too much and he took the only way out he could think of. Even though I am not religious I can understand his dilemma and it has always stayed in the back of my mind.

My wife says she loves me, but has removed on of the main ways I could express my love for her. Between that and her love of wine and control issues I don't know that I love her anymore. I fear the process of divorce and also the feeling of being alone should I attempt to go through with it. Who knows what would await on the other side. A chance to love again? Probably not, but at least I would get to be selfish and pursue my interests without having to be constantly accountable to someone else. 

I guess we'll have to see where it all goes. Or not. 

Monday, November 28, 2016

Anyone out there?

It's probably just as well that no one reads the ramblings of a lonely lunatic. I know I shouldn't be lonely as the whole universe is inside me according to Eastern thought. According to the 12 steps of Al Anon I should be working on my own betterment. There is plenty of room for improvement and learning to love myself would be a good thing. It seems that doing for others makes me feel useful and valuable as a human being. I should get satisfaction from that and I do to a point. My biggest issue (at the moment anyway) is that my brain and my heart have trouble coexisting.

This has been a recurring theme throughout my life unless I am in a functioning relationship where both parties needs are being met. I have been okay without being in a relationship, but it was so long ago.

While I did give A the address of this blog and she read it at one time, I am pretty sure that was enough for her. She is the only one I trust with my secrets, desires, and crazy thoughts. Just part of why she is so special to me. There doesn't seem to be anyone reading and I rarely link it to or from anything else except another blog or two. It is mostly just an exercise in self therapy, I guess, to keep me from going nuts on the inside. I'm pretty good at disguising those thoughts from most people because I practice passing for normal and spilling my guts to anyone would be something quite pathetic to most. I have already embarrassed myself in front of A which had to have lowered her opinion of me a notch. Fortunately, she is over 20 years younger than me and while she has the knowledge and understanding of someone much older I try to focus on that difference in order to put up some kind of shield to try and keep me from wanting her so much. It doesn't work very well, but there are many closer to her own age that would appeal to her much more than I ever could. It's just like the picture above. 

Enough rambling. If there is an actual person out there that has read any of this blithering please leave a comment. Anonymously if you wish, but something to let me know I am not as alone as I think I am. Who knows, reading this may make someone feel better about themselves. You just never know.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Old fool

That would be me. Just a pathetic old man in a loveless, sexless marriage mostly wallowing in self pity. Not a pretty picture and I am sure I am probably not alone. How does one justify getting up in the morning and going about the day?

I have been fortunate in the last year to run across two women that made me smile. It is usually many many years between such an event. Both much younger and single, both having loved in the past only to have it end in a sad way. E was exciting and interesting, but wound kind of tight. Infatuated at first, she was a great diversion from my dull routine. We were and are friends which is good, but the better I got to know her the more my fantasy weakened. Classic infatuation it was. It still makes me smile when I get to visit with her as she really is a wonderful young woman.

A is a friend of e's and even younger. However, she is gentler, calmer, more empathic and kind, introspective, and has a fun sense of humor. She makes me weak in the knees and her hugs are the warmest contact I have had with another human being in decades. It is just who she is. She carries a torch for a former love and has admitted to making a bit of a fool of herself over him. Well, leave it up to me to do the same to her. I had a couple of drinks late in the afternoon and started to write to her. I got quickly carried away and confessed my feelings to her. I hit the delete button, but had apparently sent the note before doing that. Oops! I don't remember exactly what I said, but I am pretty sure she didn't need to hear it. When she responded a few hours later by forgiving me and confessing to doing similar things I felt both relieved and embarrassed. I really adore her, but I am pretty sure she'll never be interested in me as anything more than a friend. It does seem, however that she may be one of the best friends I may ever know. I have revealed to her the inner workings of my alleged mind and she still talks to me! How amazing is that?

Why I set myself up for such pain and embarrassment is beyond me. Both of these women have so much to offer, but just not to me. And why should they?  I am fairly used up and they are both young, beautiful, and vibrant. Why they are single is beyond my understanding. Why I think either could be interested in me as anything more than a friend is sheer stupidity. I hate being stupid, but I also hate being lonely for the rest of my life.

I should get a divorce and let the wife get on with her life and I could get on with mine. I just don't see mine going anywhere. I should probably go live with the only other person who I love and who loves me back. My brother. That's probably where I'll end up anyway. I can try and outlive my wife and be more financially independent when I am left, but if there was a chance at true happiness I should divorce soon. Don't know if I would find anything or anyone, but just the chance may be worth the strain. To find a mutual love would be a wonderful thing. Could it happen? I don't know, so for now I will just reminisce about the women I loved or at least liked a hell of a lot and plod on until I can no longer stand it. Some days I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again. Then the pain would be gone.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Ruth

Way back in the mid 70s I worked in a Midwestern hospital. There was a staff size of about 3300 people, so those were the ones I met and socialized with. Ruth had just started working there and was a tall, dark-haired young woman with a certain sweetness that one finds in Midwestern women. She was married and had a year old son, but things were not rosy for her. I found out that she had separated from her husband. He was in pharmacy school at the time.

When you are in your mid twenties and there is a very mutual attraction it can be difficult not to act on it. However, this was my first time where there had been a child involved which added a new level of consideration. When the child was with the husband we could do as we pleased, but, of course when she was in possession it was different and we wouldn't see each other much as the custody of the boy was in turmoil.

Both her family and her husband's families were very religious, very traditional and somewhat fundamental and thought marriage was a permanent way of being for people who didn't get along. Ruth was being manipulated and torn in directions that no one should have to endure. Her son was a pawn in these games even though he was too young to understand. A mother's instincts are strong and can be used against her as in this case.

Our affair was brief, but passionate. It was her first time knowing the kind passion that was a complete giving of oneself, if only for a short time.

As you can imagine, she had to do what she had to do to gain custody of her son even if it meant leaving town and going back to her hometown to be talked into staying with her husband. Our hearts were broken and I wondered for years how it all turned out for her.

Welcome to modern times and social networking. Remembering names from forty years ago and taking time to look up possibilities led to me finding her on Facebook. We caught up for a few weeks and I found that she had indeed divorced her husband of that time and three others since. She remembered the passion and said she had found it about two other times, but not with her 4th and current husband. Her son is in the diplomatic corps and she has a daughter who is due to have a child in a few months. She is reasonably happy in her life, but just from our correspondence I can see that there is still a little spark. We'll probably stay in touch, but we live far apart and in different worlds now. At least there are some nice memories and I now know she is okay.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Sylvia

This goes back a long time to when I worked in the Big City. I remind you that there were a few closer relationships at the place I worked and this is one of those.

Sylvia already worked in the office when I started working there. She lived with Debbie who worked in purchasing, where I also worked for part of the time I was there. She had curly blonde hair a ready smile and laugh and a genuinely sweet personality. While she was no ravishing beauty (who is, really) she was easy to be around and always had a positive energy with a great sense of humor. Sylvia was usually at company functions and parties where there would be some of us employees so we got to know each other fairly well over a few years.

At some point we found ourselves between boyfriends/girlfriends and took a little more interest in each other. It was easy to care about each other because we already did and eventually we got physical which was mutually beneficial and very enjoyable. I guess that lasted as long as it needed to and eventually we were just friends again, but every once in a while we would catch a knowing smile or a little sparkle in the eyes that let each of us know we were special to the other.

We both found people to marry after some time and always wished the best  for each other. She married a great guy and I really hope they lived happily ever after.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

New friends

 I have found a friend who I have let into my private world. She has helped me to settle my restlessness and given me a focus that has eluded me for a while. She is a friend of E of earlier posts and is aware of the mind trap I fell into. Stepping back and being able to see obsessive thinking for what it is and correct it is a difficult thing to for some of us. Her openness,  friendship, and understanding are a rare quality in human beings.

I have known A for a while, but just in passing. I don't know or remember exactly when or why we opened up to each other, but have confided in a level I have only gotten to with a handful of people in my entire life. We have dabbled in dream interpretation and commented on political debates which has been a hoot.

I started this blog because I was troubled and looking for a way to resolve or cope with my home situation, which will eventually work itself out. It is no bed of roses, but what is? I have a confidant with total mutual trust about our personal foibles and weaknesses and likely our strengths. This is a very good thing.

While our face to face contact is not very regular we have been pretty good at writing quite regularly. It doesn't matter much, frankly, but she is easy to look at when we do meet. I think those brown eyes could melt the coldest heart, but I digress. There is so much I could say about her, but it might embarrass her as she has read this blog and may read this entry. I'm just putting it out there.

There are still a few old girlfriends to write about even though almost all of them were long ago. Most of the memories are sweet and most of the people are still alive. I even have an idea of what became of them. In most cases lives turned out okay, but not always. There are no guarantees in this world and the outcome is always final. In the meantime I wish you all find a good friend or two in your journey. We should all be so lucky. As Humphrey Bogart said at the end of Casablanca,  “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”    

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Katie

I met her over the phone at work. She was a receptionist and clerk at a copier company and we had talked about once a week for over a year before I met her in person at a trade show. She was a petite blonde and pretty cute with an endearing smile. Not a ravishing beauty, but we had a lot of interests in common and a similar viewpoint on most things.

We were both Neil Young fans and eventually I would bring my guitar to her place and we would sing along with or without the record. We also enjoyed smoking a little weed and laughing together. After a year or so I felt like I was falling in love with her, but she had one serious hangup that would prevent it. An old boyfriend that she still carried a torch for. He would show up once or twice a year, sleep with her and then be gone again without so much as a word in between. She just could never get over him.

Once I had a little too much to drink and ended up at her place confessing my love and making an utter fool of myself. She explained that her heart belonged to another even five years after they had broken up. She put me to bed on her sofa and fed me some breakfast in the morning.

We still saw each other and did stuff, but eventually an old friend from college, Donna, came back into my life and Katie slowly faded away.

Years later I found that she would sometimes come visit the area where I lived. She was with her family, her husband, and their twins. There was something major going on so that I was unable to get away to visit her, but we have found each other and renewed our friendship on Facebook. She is a grandmother now, but still cute and friendly with the same winning smile. The weird thing about the guy she eventually married is that if we stood side by side I am sure someone would think we were brothers. Who knows, maybe love is all about timing.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Judi

Way back in college I met a lot of great people, some of whom have remained friends ever since. Too many were lost to the passing of time.

When I was a sophomore there was this very cute freshman from South Dakota who caught my eye. When I got to know her a little she stole my heart. She was very smart, very kind and thoughtful, and was freckled with strawberry blonde hair. I was completely smitten.

She came with some issues, of course, but they were very understandable. Everyone came with a boyfriend or girlfriend back home and that was to be expected. Judi had one thing that was pretty tough, though. Her minister father had recently run off with the woman next door leaving his wife and three or four daughters in shock. She would feel the effects of this for quite some time.

After a while we thought we might be in love, but the boyfriend back home still had a hold on her. She asked if it was possible to love two guys at the same time. The smart answer would have been yes, but I think I gave her about every other answer. What an idiot I was. The relationship started to fade after that and we eventually got on with our lives.

She had thought about Harvard Divinity School for graduate work early on ( I wasn't as religious as she was), but she ended up going to medical school and becoming a doctor in the Chicago area at a teaching hospital and a regular hospital. I tried contacting her through Facebook a few years back, but never heard anything so I just had to let it go. It doesn't appear that she ever married and I saw a recent picture of her with her mother and sisters. They were all smiling and beautiful and it still made my heart ache just a little for a love I missed out on. I am sure she is still the kind and caring person I knew back then and I am pretty sure I could have loved her forever.   

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Cindy

Way back when I was still working in an urban environment and wearing a tie I met a few nice women at work. I know there is a saying about not dipping your pen in the company ink, but with over 50 employees and some general socializing going on among them it was difficult if two people hit it off to not act on their impulses.

One of the sweetest women I ever met was Cindy. She was a farm girl from the central part of the state, kind of tall and lean with sparkling eyes and a kind smile. We were friends and always would be, but we were lovers for a while, too, even though she was eight years younger than me. We were both in our twenties.

I ended up married and moving away and a few years later so did she. Cindy had moved to an area that I get to a couple of times a year and wrote to me early on. For years I would try and remember to find a way to visit her and her husband if I could, but it just didn't happen. Every so often I would think of her and I was able to find where she lived so I could contact her for a visit.

I was going to have to head that direction in a couple of weeks and thought it might be fun to look her up, so I did a quick internet search to see if anything in her life had changed. It had. A little over a year ago she died at home. There are a lot of people whose lives were touched by this woman and who will miss her. I am just one of them.

From her obituary.
 
She was born Sept., 19xx, and adopted by xxx and xxx April xx, 19xx, from xxx Children’s Home Society in xxx.
Cindy was baptized at the xxx Church in xxx, and confirmed at thexxxChurch in xxx.
Cindy grew up third generation on the family farm, and loved animals. Their horses, and showing cattle at the fair in 4-H were her favorites. She was very artistic and enjoyed drawing, painting, and cross stitching.
After graduating from xxxHigh School in 19xx, Cindy moved to xxx and worked as a receptionist.
She was united in marriage to xxx June xx, 19xx, at the xxx in xxx.
Cindy made her home in xxx, and surrounded herself with friends. She was hardworking, and enjoyed the tourist seasons along the xxx, working at local resorts over the years.
Cindy was very interested and knowledgeable about antiques, and loved to reminisce with her parents about the farm’s heritage.
She was a kind, generous, and loving woman, and will be greatly missed.


 

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Pam

She was the first real girlfriend I ever had. There was no question that our love was mutual and we lost our virginity together. We overcame our shyness together because we were so trusting and comfortable with each other. I was totally head over heels nuts about her. To me she was everything I could hope for in a relationship with a woman. I would never have believed two people could have so much in common.

It was our senior year in high school and the year was 1969. She was fairly athletic and strong and on the swimming team and softball team. I didn't mind that she could out throw or out swim me at all. She had to buy her dress sizes a little larger because of her shoulders, but she was the softest and most gentle person I had ever known.

After we went off to college we started being unable to see each other much and our lives were going in other directions. That was such a shame, but it was where we were going. She stayed out East and I stayed in the Midwest. However, we had carved our initials on each others hearts and mostly due to here diligence we never lost contact with each other.

I am still in the Midwest and she is out in Oregon, but we still correspond regularly and confide in each other even though we haven't seen each other in over forty years. I am sure we have both aged, but there will always be a place for us in each of our hearts.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Expressing love and friendship

There is a way of expressing love that has a Buddhist idea behind it. I am not a Buddhist, but I admire their teachings, at least what little I understand.

I read that love can be a gift given freely without expectation of reciprocation or even acknowledgement. In other words, I can give love to someone in order to get it out of me. Whether the other person accepts it is of no real consequence. It is theirs whether or not they want it or want to ignore it or anything in between. It is mine to give and makes me feel better. I can only hope the other person can take something from it.

I suppose the same thing would even work for friendship. If given unconditionally it is still given. If the receiver of such a gift was adamant about not wanting it that person would have to do something quite hateful to make me regret the gift. As I am not a hateful person by nature that would be possible, but unlikely.

I am not sure, though, if the gifts of love and friendship would cause hurt to the person the are given to what should be done. Offer a retraction? I don't want to cause anyone pain or even discomfort, so I guess I would have to determine if an offer of love or friendship would be taken badly. In other words I should be very sure of my offer and not take it lightly even if the desire to blurt it out was strong.  

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Obsessive Thoughts

I try to be a decent human being, but sometimes I fail miserably. At least to me it is a failure. Sometimes I fall into obsessive thought patterns that I just can't break out of. I hope no one notices and I hope my behaviors don't frighten or put anyone off. I do my best to hide them, but I don't know if I always succeed

You can see an example of these with my postings about e. I could not for the life of me shake her constant presence in my mind. The thoughts were not evil or sexual, but just thoughts about what a fascinating and warm person she is. At least that is how I see her. Reality may be different, but I distort reality to bend toward my view of the world.

I woke up in the middle of the night with these thoughts just a few days ago. After about an hour of tossing and turning I tried to relax myself back to sleep. Then a memory came into my head about an old girlfriend I haven't mentioned yet. Donna. She will, no doubt, get several posts.

It was back in the late 70s and I was flying back to the Twin Cities after a Christmas at my parents house back East. Donna picked me up at the airport and took me to a concert with Taj Mahal and Leon Redbone. I don't remember if we had something to eat first or not. That part of the memory has faded.  We found our seats and tried to get comfortable which is always difficult in Minnesota in winter because of the many layers of clothing that are being worn to keep from freezing.

We hadn't see each other for a week or so and there was a bit of desire going on when we weren't listening to the music. At some point during the concert I realized that Donna wasn't wearing any underwear which wound me up a little more. It was the kind of thing she would do occasionally just to tease. After the concert was over we dashed home to one of our places, probably mine, and had a night of passionate lovemaking since the foreplay had been going on for a couple of hours. It was intense.

After remembering that in the middle of the night I was able to get back to sleep with a smile on my face. Thinking back on that night seems to have at least partially broken my though patterns. For this I am grateful. Whether it holds or not we will have to wait and see, but I can conjure up this memory to at least interfere with it and that is a good thing.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Dear e

Dear e,
It was fun helping you move to your new digs. It was my pleasure to do it. I was very well behaved as any friend should be, but after a day or two I started missing you again. I thought I was past the infatuation stage, but maybe not. I still get thoughts wondering what it would be like to throw away my current life just for a chance to spend some time with you. I am clueless to know if it would work out between us and I have my doubts, but I sure seem to crave your company. 

Don't worry. I am still in control of my behavior, but my feelings are what they are and go where they want. Now you are leaving town for a few weeks. I will miss you terribly, but I will drop you a note or two containing mostly small talk and maybe a joke or two. It will just let you know you have a good friend here. I will pretend that is all I ever want to be.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

E AGAIN

Dear e,

I thought I was getting past the infatuation part and I think I probably am as I don't feel physically sick when I think about you. If I let my mind dwell on you then it will creep back in, but it is less now. Maybe it will be easier to have a normal friendship with you. This decrease in intensity of feelings is a relief, but if I get feeling lonely I still want to be with you. Knowing it can't or won't happen doesn't make it better, just makes me feel a bit sad. Being friend-zoned isn't the worst way to be, but it is what must be.

Helping you move was an honor. I thought the four of us did quite well and I was surprised by the relative ease of the process. I hope you enjoy your new digs. All I have to do now is think of some activity we can do in a group. I think you would shy away from the two of us doing something together. I probably should, too. It might be harder on me than I think. Probably not on you, but you might feel a bit awkward. I don't want to do that to you. You've got your own problems.

I'll try and leave you alone for a while. Maybe you'll miss me. I always miss you.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Virginia

There once was a girl named Virginia. They called her virgin for short, but not for long. She was from Chicago and I worked near her in the University hospital kitchen. We were cooks. She was very cute and built like a goddess. She was also just a genuinely nice person. The intimate part of our relationship didn't last all that long as she had a boyfriend that she lived with. While she did move out we went our separate ways eventually. She was soft, warm, and caring and a delight to be with, but she couldn't have an orgasm. She had never had one, she said. I ran into this issue several times with other women before I realized there was a connection. All the women had been raised in the Catholic church. Coincidence? I can only rely on my own experience and can't say if this is common among Catholic-raised women, but it does arouse my curiosity.

Oh, sure, I took it as a challenge to be the first one to be able to give them an orgasm and I think I actually had success in one instance. But the Vatican is a powerful force, using guilt, funny chants, mumbling into their hands, dead languages, fancy clothes and hats, and lots of gold and ornate googahs. Then the Pope and the nuns, priests, cardinals, bishops, knights, kings, queens, and one-eyed jacks all get involved in the rituals. It must be a hard cult to break out of if you want to. Lots of sinning, confessions, and then more sinning seems to make an endless cycle of guilt and shame. 

Ginny did give me a small ceramic cup she made with her name on the bottom. I still have it out in my shop having kept it now for over forty years. Guess I'm just sentimental or some other kind of mental.

   

Thursday, July 28, 2016

LSD Honeymoon

You probably wonder why a guy married for over 30 years still thinks about old girlfriends. Maybe because my marriage always gave me doubts. Rather than jump in and out of it I decided to stay. There must have been reasons.

I lived with my spouse for a few years before we got hitched. I moved out for about 9 months once because of that trapped feeling one can get. I had doubts, but got over them and didn't see anyone else so I figured I might as well go back. Besides I was spending half my time at her place anyway.

When we got married it was a smallish informal wedding with good food and a nice serene setting. We immediately set out on our honeymoon determined to get away fast. We were exhausted and found a cheap little motel that wasn't anything I would recommend, but any port in a storm. It was early spring and we drove hard the next day out to the mountains to stay at a hot spring resort.

We did some recreational drugs back in those days. Mostly just marijuana, but a little speed and extremely rarely LSD. Someone gave us a couple of hits of LSD and we took them along. For those of you who have never used the stuff it is usually good to be in a good mood, relaxed and have a plan or two of what you would like to do. A walk through the woods or hanging around with your friends, maybe listening to a little music. Going to public places is not always a good idea unless a lot of other people are in the same condition. I digress.

We get checked in to our room and after driving all day I thought it would be good to relax, get a bite to eat, and take it easy for the evening. Maybe make passionate love to officially consummate our marriage. This was her third and my first so I guess it meant more to me. She popped the acid before we were unpacked and after a while I begrudgingly did the same. We were up all night, of course, running around in a strange place, but it was late spring and there weren't too many people around.

I should have known then what her priorities in life would be. The alcoholism that surfaced a few years later should have been no surprise.

I still want to be with you

Dear e,

I think I could have loved you and you could have loved me. Being married makes that not an option for either of us. Were you ever married? Ever in love?

Twenty years with little or no affection has done me in and I don't know if I should wait and try to outlive her or just divorce. Everything she and I have, materialistically, is right here. It would be tough economically, but I have been poor before. I have a lot of thinking to do.

It's probably too late for you and me, anyway. Yes we are friends, but you won't go beyond that. I understand. I know you've been hurt before falling in love with a married man. I know you did the best you could, but it cost you dearly.

Even though I am fifteen years older than you I don't feel a difference. Do you?  It's times like this I really hate my life. I think I'll just go out to the garage, play some guitar and cry in my beer. Alone. I've been that way for so long it feels normal, but I don't think it is.

You'll never see this. It's just between me and no one, but know that I wanted to be the man you could love and trust. I know it won't happen and maybe I'll just fantasize now and then about a life that could have been. Not the life I had. If it wouldn't hurt you so much I would tell you that I love you and that you could react without restriction.

Damn.  

Unrequited love/ Friend zone

Dear e,

I remember when you first introduced me to your father. You first asked if I noticed the family resemblance, but any time you walked in the door the light was on you and the rest of the people and surroundings just faded into the background.

Today he came in for a few things and I recognized him right away, calling him by name. Pretty impressive, eh? He does look like you only older and less feminine, of course. I guess the nut doesn't fall far from the tree. The handful of months that have passed since first meeting him has been enough to get past the not recognizing anyone else's existence so the pain of not being able to be with you is lessened. Yet, you are still constantly in my thoughts.

Maybe I am getting past the infatuation part. You know, the one that makes my stomach hurt when I can't be
near you. I can't believe that still happens at my age. I am trying to get used to the fact that as long as I am married there is no hope of a relationship. Do I want to chuck my life, such as it is, for the chance of happiness in my later years? Or do I want to stay in a blah relationship with economic security and never experience real love again.

Do I want to be a disappointment to everyone or just myself? You seem to be outwardly able to keep me in the friend zone, but when you confide in me I think maybe you are really in more need of my company. If I were free would you give me a chance? I know you've been burned before. We all have by this time in our lives, but we still are drawn to that fire. To make that kind of connection with another human being is the most we can hope for in this life. As the president remarked and wrote about the audacity of hope  want to experience the audacity of love. I don't know if it would work, but I think that taking the chance of something like that isn't one I would regret.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Linda





Sometimes we lose track of people we once cared for. Sometimes it’s for a very long time. We lived together back in the mid seventies for over a year and thought we were in love. I guess we probably were. We left Iowa together to search for new adventure in the Big City of Minneapolis and found it. Unfortunately, her adventure wanted to be with someone else so I picked up the pieces and moved on. It took a while to get over her, but I had friends that could boost my ego and keep me occupied so I wouldn’t stumble down into the hole of loneliness. I was lucky that way. I would see Linda from time to time. She was honing her interior design skills and dancing as she had always done. We would run into each other and it was always friendly and warm. It was good to see both of us smile together. She met someone who was the love of her life and quite a bit younger. Heck, she was three years older than me, but it was no big deal once you’re past your teens. I think they got married eventually and so did I before leaving the city behind after about an eight year run. 

I thought about her now and then, but never had the time to look her up and see how she was doing. I tried the social media when I might remember, but only a few times over the years. I remembered again today when something triggered a thought to make me try a quick search, but this time I thought I might look up her parents. I found her father’s obituary. I had remembered him from some amazing cribbage games we had played. He had been a champion cribbage player around the Mason City area and was a formidable opponent. I figured his obit might mention his daughter. It did, right after the words ”preceded in death by”. She died on her birthday in 1992 at the age of 44. I was shocked and saddened, but it explained why I could find no trace of her the past couple of decades. I found a picture of her grave when trying to find out more. All I could imagine was suicide which saddened me even more. I could find no more information and don’t know any of her friends anymore. Too much time had passed to even find an obituary. I don’t know where and how she died, only where she was laid to rest. The only thing I know for sure is that she is no longer here.

Surprised by the pain it gives I only hope that time will make it go away. We were in love for a while and I had even asked her to marry me. She had said yes, but that changed as our relationship faded. This is the part of aging that I find the most painful. The physical deterioration is annoying, but the loss of friends and lovers is much harder to take. I am pretty good at hiding my feelings from others, but not myself. Sometimes I just need to scream.     

Andie

I live with two very smart women. I am married to one and the other is a good friend who lives in the downstairs suite (a fancy word for the basement bedroom and bathroom). I think they keep me around for brawn and eye candy, but as the years pass I am less sure of that position.

 After this last trip abroad I realized that they still want to keep me around for a while, so I must still be useful. I don’t get to travel much, as the last time was six years ago. After coming back I confessed to having “fallen in love” with three German women one day.

 They worked on the farm I stayed at in Northern Iceland and I found them to be smart, kind, and attractive and, of course, much younger than me.  It was one of those, “If I were single and twenty years younger,” moments that occur now and then. Nothing ever comes of those moments except in the movies and with politicians. I do have a grip on reality, you know. 


To make a long story longer, neither of the home girls particularly like to fly (to put it gently) over great distances, so they came up with a good plan to make sure I came back. You all must know that European women are exotic and attractive and there is always a possibility, although extremely remote, that I might be attracted to one. To counter this possibility they recruited their (and my) friend Andie. Recruited may not be the right word as I am normally not a conspiracy theorist (unless all the evidence points to it), but somehow she became my travel buddy. It was a brilliant move on their part. Andie is attractive, very smart, talented, young, strong, and kind and the plan worked. I barely noticed the rest of the women in Europe, except for one who was about 6’6” tall. I was even returned in better condition than when I left. Amazing!


Being a man there are some things beyond my scope of understanding, like the strength and power of women. Why they are not in charge of the planet I don’t know, but they cannot possibly do worse than the men in charge if for no other reason that women aren’t as full of crap as men.

Andie is still my friend, too! While I do desire her in the usual ways I don't believe she desires me back in the same way. We talk or email sort of regularly and we do rely on each others experiences to help out with problems. It doesn't get too personal, though. I mean she doesn't want to hear that my wife's desire fizzled out two decades ago, but mine didn't. It sucks to be me.

Sometimes I talk to Andie just to get my  head out of the clouds. She will distract me from whatever endless loop of thought I am in. Like if I have a temporary crush on some attractive and intriguing woman. Just talking to her will snap me out of it, at least for a while. Being married is a big turnoff to other women, so I am upfront about it when I need to be. It helps to make them not want to get too close. That tears me apart sometimes, but it is still the right thing to do, I guess.

The downside of Andie is that she lives a long way off and I only get to see her once or twice a year. Probably just as well to help keep me from getting too attached to someone I can't have. That's just the way it is.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Stepmother

My father struggled for a year or so with two very young boys and widowhood and then met a slightly older divorced woman at work. She was attractive enough and was more than willing to take on two young boys. Within another year they married, she quit work and became a stay at home mom. She started spending the summers at her father's cottage at the beach and keeping the boys with her there while my father worked all week and came to the beach on weekends. My brother was still in need of more parental attention, but he was cute and stayed near his step mom much of the time. I needed less supervision and was on my own except for meals and a place to sleep. This went on for about another fifteen years during which time my father built a cottage for us near the family one where we had been staying.

When we would go back to the suburbs and school stepmom, B, would stay home and knit (she was always knitting), watch TV, go bowling or play bridge with her friends, she did some light housekeeping, laundry, and cooking, but my father eventually took on much of that, especially on weekends. She would stay up late at night watching TV and knitting. My brother and I would get ourselves up, dressed, fed, and ready for school before she got up in the mornings. That pissed off my grandmother to see B send the boys off to school without a warm breakfast especially in winter. Dad would leave about 7 and we would leave for school about 7:30. Sometimes she would be up and sometimes not.

All this may have been forgivable to some people.  The thing that I ( and my brother) had trouble dealing with that was really irksome was her inability to admit wrongness or any mistake. She was also a horrible bigot against any  non-WASP person. She was an authoritarian and while that is necessary to some degree as a parent, she took it to an extreme.

By the time I was fifteen I could barely stand to be in the same room for any length of time. Not that that is atypical for a teen, but we were opposites on almost everything which never changed. I learned to tolerate her views eventually, because I saw her so seldom after I graduated from high school. I worked away from home and went off to college even farther away. My father was at least sympathetic to my plight and helped me hold on until I became of age. How he held out was more than a miracle.

He did love her "in his own way", he told me after she died, but I suspect his loyalty was like mine. He made a vow and intended to keep it, no matter what. They rarely fought, but her control issues and what to me looked like laziness made her less than an ideal mate.

B had a son who was about ten years older than me. I kind of liked him, his wife, and their kids, but didn't have that much interaction. As I got to know them better I saw he was abusive to his wife and lost a lot of respect I may have had. They divorced after their kids grew up and he flitted around the country as a carpenter and heavy drinker. He was living in Hawaii when he died at age sixty. His oldest son had moved there to be with him and adopted the same lifestyle. They would ask B to send them money for beer and she would usually oblige sending them a hundred or two every month.

When she was dying she insisted that smoking didn't cause her lung problems. She was on supplemental oxygen for about the last five or ten years of her life. How she made it to 91 I'll never know. The miracles of modern medicine, I suppose.

She was very jealous of my father. If he paid any attention to another woman or got a friendly hug from anyone who was not a relative she would see red. My father did have a woman or two that were confidants and B couldn't stand that, even in the last couple of years when she was mostly bedridden and he cared for her like a 24 hour nurse. He may have had an affair at some point years ago, but I never knew one way or another. My brother thinks he did.

The last ten or fifteen years of her life were made possible by my father's care giving abilities. Of course, that took everything out of him and he died about five months after she did. That was ten years ago.

I know she meant well, but was unequipped as a compassionate human being to do a great job. I have been able to let go of most of my resentment and learned to be kind to her and tolerate her views for the sake of my father. It's all over now and long past time to move on.  

Saturday, July 16, 2016

I was young once

Long ago on a hot July day my mother gave birth to me. She loved me as did my father. I could see it in their eyes in the old black and white photos. She was just 22 years old and my first relationship with a woman. I was breast fed, as we all should be if possible, just like all other mammals. It is supposed to make a strong bond. It must have, but I really don't remember much. When she was pregnant with my brother a couple of years later they discovered a problem. There was something else in there besides my brother. I don't know to this day if it was another fetus or a mass of some sort. She gave birth to my brother nearly three months prematurely and she died of complications of that process and whoever/whatever  was in there. It was about my 3rd birthday that she was gone.

My father was devastated, but carried on as he had two little boys and a lot of medical bills to take care of.  The whole process had an effect on the three of us, but I think my brother got the worst end of it and we all hurt in one way or another. All three of us needed her and then she was gone. I am no psychologist, but there are probably things like abandonment issues that effected all of us. Maybe they still do.

Next: Stepmother