Sunday, April 23, 2017

Reconnecting

Last fall I told A that I would haul a little pile of brush out of her yard after she trimmed some trees, etc. I reminded her a week ago that I would still do this (if nothing else, I am a man of my word) whenever it was convenient. She texted me and made an offer I could barely refuse. She would take me out for fish and chips if I hauled her brush. I have a weakness for good food and am easily bribed, but I just couldn't fit it in which bummed me right the hell out.

I stopped by her place just to check out the brush to see if I could do it in one load and I can. She showed me the area she cleared which is a lovely spot beneath a spruce tree in her back yard. Now I'll have to make her a bench to go there. It is something I enjoy doing and I know she will like it. I just need to make sure I don't seem too eager or stalky which is tough when you realize that you still adore someone after months of not seeing them with only a few words of communication. Sometimes I wish she wasn't so kind and I didn't enjoy her company so much.

Friendship is all I can allow myself and I am pretty sure that is all she can ever offer, so I am happy with that. I sure as hell enjoy her companionship when I have it.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Do for the Others

I got to see A last weekend for the first time in over three months. I guess I should have expected it as the activity was something we both enjoy and seek out. There were others there that I didn't really know with the exception of one. After the initial activity was over everyone was hanging around and after a while I felt like I was just taking up space. As I went to leave A and another friend asked if I would come along for a drink and dinner. I had nothing else to do and thought it might be fun.

It actually was. A and I caught up. I could see she wasn't as happy as I would like to see. It makes me want to do things for her to make her life a little better and more fun, but I'm not in a position to do more than little things and I doubt she would ask anything of me. As a friend she has all the permission she needs to ask anything of me just like any other friend, male or female. I guess doing things for other people makes me feel good and useful. Don't know if she knows or understands that and there is nothing I will do or say to help her out unless she asks.

Meanwhile, the wife has returned from a week down south and seems a little more relaxed. Her tension and stress were getting to me and the roommate and the break was a good thing. Still have a long way to go to resolve issues, if that ever happens, but we both have to deal with the realities of getting older as well.

At least I am not severely depressed like I was last fall. I am feeling okay about me and I seem to be getting a little more respect at home. I don't feel the need to just run away and leave my life behind. The logistics are more complicated than before, but that was always the joy of just leaving. Most of those things holding me back would just disappear once I left. No, I think I'll stick around for now, but there are still years to do what I need to to for me. I have been doing for others long enough.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Moving on

Silly me. I thought they were my friends. I haven't heard from e or A for a long time. I have sent a few texts, but never gotten a response. It's too bad, really, as they are both wonderful women, but I am apparently not worthy of any of their attention in any way. They can call the shots and I won't bother them any more. My feelings toward them will not change, as I have seen what wonderful humans they can be, but my reaction to them will.

Meanwhile, back in what passes for my daily life, I am still living in a house with my wife and going to counseling with her because it's all my fault that we are not doing well in our relationship. Realizing how long ago my feelings for her faded, but being responsible for a lot of things in our life I didn't feel I could leave. Now it is even more difficult. I would probably have to live in a tent, but summer is coming and it may not be such a bad idea. I could just claim a stall in the barn and fix it up, but I don't know if I could keep all the mice out. I'll have to bring a couple of the cats with me. There is water, electricity, and a roof, so it might not be that bad.

It has been over twenty years since I have had a sexual relationship with anyone and it is one of the things on my bucket list. Seeing as how no one has expressed any interest in that in as many years maybe I should consider calling a professional.  I have no idea if that is realistic, but I understand they are a few hundred dollars now and my general shortage of funds wouldn't allow it. Maybe if I save diligently for a while. I would probably have to go to the big city and figure out how to find one that wouldn't shoot me or give me a weird disease or something, but I have heard that there are some who offer a pretty high end service where those things are not an issue. That probably costs more money. In the long run that is probably cheaper than an actual relationship, however, when you consider all the ramifications. It will give me something to ponder as I try to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Last Chance

I'm going to marriage counseling with the wife next week. We have been seen together, but this is about the last shot. I really don't want to continue this marriage and I hope i can keep her discomfort to a minimum. Since we have talked out a lot of it I think it will all be okay.

Of course I can't really afford to live separately even if I badly want to. I have financial and maintenance obligations here on the farm so it would be difficult. If I can find a place in exchange for work it would be terrific, but this town has a real shortage of housing. Maybe I'll live in a tent on a back pasture or just put up a cheap rustic shack.

My depression is pretty much gone and I am a lot happier these days, but still have my melancholy moments. My dreams of what can still happen in my life keep me going. The mess in D.C. does its best to ruin everything, but I will fight that, too.

I haven't heard from A since before her trip to Mexico. I have dropped her a few lines, but never hear back. She is obviously ignoring me. Probably for my own benefit. At least that is what I can think unless she lets me know something else. I never told her that I love her, but she isn't blind, deaf, and dumb, and I'm probably not that good at hiding my feelings. I can never expect anything back and that's okay. It was a privilege knowing her and her initials are carved on my heart, where there are only two other sets from a long, long time ago. A is a rare gem and there will always be a fond memory of her.

It was different than the usual crush that comes along every five years or so. Maybe it was her kindness, but I won't over analyze anything and just let it go. I am still in occasional contact with the other two sets of initials. I hope that can happen with A someday.

Monday, March 6, 2017

A new life

A new life would be nice. Taking some elements of the old one along would be necessary. Abandoning ship and running away would be a little silly at this point in my life. Wouldn't be the first time, though.

Having created a life that has been a complete anchor for the last twenty years seemed okay for a while, but more like a trap for the last five years. Heavy obligations aren't easy to blow off. I really don't need much, but I need something. I have a few good friends, but none are closer than five hours away. I will be seeing them in a few weeks. A little space between me and the world I live in and have created will be a good thing and hopefully not too late.

The longer days have helped and pursuing outside interests has been helpful in my recovery from one of the darkest depressions I have ever experienced. I have to credit A with being a lifeline. Had she not been there I would not likely be here at all. I can never repay her, nor would she probably let me, but I will always be in her debt and grateful for her companionship. I hope I did her no harm through everything. She will always have a special place in my heart and in my mind.

I can't predict what the future will bring, but I will check in from time to time. It has been fun getting to remember some special people in my life and getting to know a few new special people. I wouldn't have thought they were out there, but they were. Spring is a time of rebirth and growth. I am long overdue for both.
 

Monday, February 20, 2017

New Friends

It has been a while since my crush on e, but given time it seems to have become a nice friendship. We text once in a while and see each other for moments here and there. I still think she's cute and sexy in a primitive sort of way (which I prefer) and I am less tense and more relaxed around her. I think she likes that better, too. She is younger than me, but not as young as A.

 I haven't seen A for two months and have only exchanged a handful of texts. She is so sweet and vulnerable, but our age difference is a big deal to me. I can adore her all I want, but wouldn't want to tie up her life and then go and die. It would be so unfair. The good thing is that she doesn't have that kind of interest in me anyway. I think I can handle being in her presence now. I still think she is one of the most wonderful people I ever met, but a serious reality check was in order. Hard to get my brain to override my heart, but it had to happen.

Been talking to the wife about separation. She has been treating me very nicely for a while now. Her drinking is getting back toward its usual overindulgence, however. She still loves me, she says, and even after twenty some years of sex-free living she is starting to hint that it may be a possibility. I have never betrayed that aspect of our lives, but after this long it will take a lot of convincing before I really consider it. I like her most of the time, but what we have is not a marriage to me. Don't think I'll ever want a marriage again. Once was enough. An occasional girlfriend would be nice, though. Who knows if it will ever happen. It may not be all that important after all and I think I would be fine as an independent spirit. I like company, but it has a price that I may not be willing to pay anymore. Then again, you just never know what will be around the next corner. 

Saturday, February 4, 2017

It makes no difference

That's the title of a song by The Band that is one of the saddest unrequited love songs I know. That and the Ray Charles version of You Don't Know Me.

The difference between them is that in It Makes No Difference there was once a love that is no more.
It makes no difference where I turn
I can't get over you and the flame still burns
It makes no difference, night or day
The shadow never seems to fade away

 And this:
 Now there's no love
As true as the love
That dies untold


Then Ray Charles sings about a woman he loves, but they are just friends and he must watch her go away with some other guy.

 No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me 


Then at the end:


Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me) 


I Imagine we have all gone through this and it hurts often with a pain that is debilitating, but what can you do.

My friend A is like the last one. I am sure she knows my feelings are strong, but that I won't do anything about them. I haven't seen her for a month and a half and we have only sent a few texts and I had hoped my feelings would wane as they usually do after time. They haven't, but I wish they would. She is going to Mexico for a vacation and I assume not going alone. I always wish her the greatest of happiness and I always hope her life turns out the way she wants it to knowing I can never really be a part of it.

She is the only one of my friends and acquaintances that knows this blog exists, but I am pretty sure she doesn't read this, otherwise I wouldn't have written this. She was very kind to me at a time when no one else was or had any idea how far down I had gone. Maybe that was what drew me in. Of course, everything I know about her just makes me care more. Unfortunately, nothing will ever come of it so I learn to live with the pain. I can sometimes push it aside, but it's always there to remind me that there is someone in the world like her.

But it makes no difference and she'll never know.