Tuesday, May 16, 2017

dealing with disappointment

I have this friend, Ang, who accompanied me to Europe about 4 years ago. We are "just friends", but I did have a bit of a crush on her at one time. She is very smart (engineer) very thoughtful, and attractive to boot. She knew I had the hots for her and waited until I got over it so we could get on with being friends. A very wise woman for being in her early 50's (just a kid). She is also quite generous when I come to visit and will take me out to eat and let me sleep in her guest room so I don't have to crash on my brother's sofa. I have also gotten to the point where I will confide in her and she will give me advice if I ask for it. She has gotten to know me and still likes me. How cool is that?

So A told me that anytime I went to the city I should let her know so she could ride down with me and visit some friends. As many times as I have seen A it is rarely for very long and certainly not the 5 hours it takes to go the city. I was really looking forward to being able to talk and listen with her for hours. So I have a reason to go to the city coming up and guess what. It is the only weekend she has plans. It is sailing, which she loves, with another friend and his sailboat. I guess I'm relegated to a few minutes here and there whenever I run into her. Damn! Maybe another opportunity will come up, but this is the beginning of the really busy season and I may not be able to get away for a long time.

I try and keep my distance from A so I don't get drawn in and she has totally friend-zoned me so I know there is no hope. Especially as long as I am married. Maybe I should just finish off my marriage for good and get on with my life, but everything is so tied up it seems nearly impossible.

So I wrote an email to Ang. Not talking about A, just needed someone to listen to my general state of being. I think she is in Japan this week on business, but I know she will at least read it when she gets a chance. It is nice to have someone to listen, but I also try not to abuse that privilege. While it is my own doing, the heartache just keeps happening.

On the other hand, I am healthy, have a regular job, and a place to live, but apparently have some emotional needs that are not being met. I guess that is what I have bee looking for for quite a few years now.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

The continuing story of A

I saw A the middle of last week to give her a book I got from the author on something that A is working on for her future life. I had the author write a little something inside. I also had some Hershey Kisses in my pocket and asked if I could give her a kiss. Of course, before she answered I got one out of my pocket and put it in her hand. There were a few more in  my pocket and I told her she could have all of my kisses and gave them to her.

She gave me a hug and I left. She texted me the next day to say thanks again and mentioned she would be going out of town for the weekend to visit friends. I had to do some errands on Saturday and was nearby where she lives. I went and got the brush piles out of her front yard and got rid of them. She returned Monday evening and emailed me a nice thank you on Tuesday me reminding me that she would take me for a beer and fish and chips. I have to dog sit for a friend this month and really don't feel I can get away as I don't want to burden anyone else with my responsibility. I told her I needed to get to the city after the dog goes home and she asked if she could come along to go visit her friends. I told her I would enjoy her company for the long drive.

Sometimes I remind myself of Niles Crane from the Frasier TV show. He loved Daphne for years, but never would say or was in a position to do anything about it. Just as they were marrying other people that they thought they loved they finally spoke of their love for each other and eventually lived happily ever after. I know it's only a story, but I always have a glimmer of hope. Of course I know of all the reasons it is not likely to happen and I continually deny my feelings, but I can never crush them entirely. Then I'll see her in person and I just melt on the inside. Again I will try not to gush and make her think every moment away from her is painful. I'll just not contact her without a good reason. There are lots of things I would love to tell her, but won't. I just think about that stuff. I'll pretend to be hard to get for as long as I can stand it. Do I seem pathetic, yet?

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

I got away

I got to go away for about four days last weekend. It was off to an adult language and culture immersion camp. I had nearly forgotten how much fun it was to learn and laugh with new friends and old ones. Even if we only see each other once a year, but keep up a little on Facebook. It helps to shake off the back home relationships such as they are.

It reminds me that even if I am lost in my relationships at home and have been friend-zoned in others that there is still a world out there and possibilities for new friends and whatever else may come. It gives the self confidence and self worth a bit of a boost. After this past year I could really use that. Maybe I even started this blog because I remember some good times in the past and miss those.

Off to marriage counseling tomorrow, but the wife gave me some good thoughts the other day. She saw how much I enjoyed camp and explained that she understood that her dreams for the future and mine are probably not the same. As we only have so many years left on this side of the dirt she understands that I may want to go in a different direction. It is the most positive thing she has told me without strings attached. Maybe there is hope for the future. My future. In the meantime she still has severe jealousy issues. Rather than tell her I have talked to or seen anyone at all I just don't tell her. It's too bad really as it's easier for me to be up front about such things, but rather than have the potential hissy fit I just leave it alone and live in a separate world.

For the handful of you who read this blithering of mine I thank you. If you want to comment please do so. I am not terribly judgemental and I'M the one putting my foolishness out here for anyone to see. I'm not argumentative by nature and I honestly believe that I can learn something from nearly everyone out there. I will always be appreciative of any input given.

Sunday, April 23, 2017


Last fall I told A that I would haul a little pile of brush out of her yard after she trimmed some trees, etc. I reminded her a week ago that I would still do this (if nothing else, I am a man of my word) whenever it was convenient. She texted me and made an offer I could barely refuse. She would take me out for fish and chips if I hauled her brush. I have a weakness for good food and am easily bribed, but I just couldn't fit it in which bummed me right the hell out.

I stopped by her place just to check out the brush to see if I could do it in one load and I can. She showed me the area she cleared which is a lovely spot beneath a spruce tree in her back yard. Now I'll have to make her a bench to go there. It is something I enjoy doing and I know she will like it. I just need to make sure I don't seem too eager or stalky which is tough when you realize that you still adore someone after months of not seeing them with only a few words of communication. Sometimes I wish she wasn't so kind and I didn't enjoy her company so much.

Friendship is all I can allow myself and I am pretty sure that is all she can ever offer, so I am happy with that. I sure as hell enjoy her companionship when I have it.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Do for the Others

I got to see A last weekend for the first time in over three months. I guess I should have expected it as the activity was something we both enjoy and seek out. There were others there that I didn't really know with the exception of one. After the initial activity was over everyone was hanging around and after a while I felt like I was just taking up space. As I went to leave A and another friend asked if I would come along for a drink and dinner. I had nothing else to do and thought it might be fun.

It actually was. A and I caught up. I could see she wasn't as happy as I would like to see. It makes me want to do things for her to make her life a little better and more fun, but I'm not in a position to do more than little things and I doubt she would ask anything of me. As a friend she has all the permission she needs to ask anything of me just like any other friend, male or female. I guess doing things for other people makes me feel good and useful. Don't know if she knows or understands that and there is nothing I will do or say to help her out unless she asks.

Meanwhile, the wife has returned from a week down south and seems a little more relaxed. Her tension and stress were getting to me and the roommate and the break was a good thing. Still have a long way to go to resolve issues, if that ever happens, but we both have to deal with the realities of getting older as well.

At least I am not severely depressed like I was last fall. I am feeling okay about me and I seem to be getting a little more respect at home. I don't feel the need to just run away and leave my life behind. The logistics are more complicated than before, but that was always the joy of just leaving. Most of those things holding me back would just disappear once I left. No, I think I'll stick around for now, but there are still years to do what I need to to for me. I have been doing for others long enough.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Moving on

Silly me. I thought they were my friends. I haven't heard from e or A for a long time. I have sent a few texts, but never gotten a response. It's too bad, really, as they are both wonderful women, but I am apparently not worthy of any of their attention in any way. They can call the shots and I won't bother them any more. My feelings toward them will not change, as I have seen what wonderful humans they can be, but my reaction to them will.

Meanwhile, back in what passes for my daily life, I am still living in a house with my wife and going to counseling with her because it's all my fault that we are not doing well in our relationship. Realizing how long ago my feelings for her faded, but being responsible for a lot of things in our life I didn't feel I could leave. Now it is even more difficult. I would probably have to live in a tent, but summer is coming and it may not be such a bad idea. I could just claim a stall in the barn and fix it up, but I don't know if I could keep all the mice out. I'll have to bring a couple of the cats with me. There is water, electricity, and a roof, so it might not be that bad.

It has been over twenty years since I have had a sexual relationship with anyone and it is one of the things on my bucket list. Seeing as how no one has expressed any interest in that in as many years maybe I should consider calling a professional.  I have no idea if that is realistic, but I understand they are a few hundred dollars now and my general shortage of funds wouldn't allow it. Maybe if I save diligently for a while. I would probably have to go to the big city and figure out how to find one that wouldn't shoot me or give me a weird disease or something, but I have heard that there are some who offer a pretty high end service where those things are not an issue. That probably costs more money. In the long run that is probably cheaper than an actual relationship, however, when you consider all the ramifications. It will give me something to ponder as I try to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Last Chance

I'm going to marriage counseling with the wife next week. We have been seen together, but this is about the last shot. I really don't want to continue this marriage and I hope i can keep her discomfort to a minimum. Since we have talked out a lot of it I think it will all be okay.

Of course I can't really afford to live separately even if I badly want to. I have financial and maintenance obligations here on the farm so it would be difficult. If I can find a place in exchange for work it would be terrific, but this town has a real shortage of housing. Maybe I'll live in a tent on a back pasture or just put up a cheap rustic shack.

My depression is pretty much gone and I am a lot happier these days, but still have my melancholy moments. My dreams of what can still happen in my life keep me going. The mess in D.C. does its best to ruin everything, but I will fight that, too.

I haven't heard from A since before her trip to Mexico. I have dropped her a few lines, but never hear back. She is obviously ignoring me. Probably for my own benefit. At least that is what I can think unless she lets me know something else. I never told her that I love her, but she isn't blind, deaf, and dumb, and I'm probably not that good at hiding my feelings. I can never expect anything back and that's okay. It was a privilege knowing her and her initials are carved on my heart, where there are only two other sets from a long, long time ago. A is a rare gem and there will always be a fond memory of her.

It was different than the usual crush that comes along every five years or so. Maybe it was her kindness, but I won't over analyze anything and just let it go. I am still in occasional contact with the other two sets of initials. I hope that can happen with A someday.