Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Last Chance

I'm going to marriage counseling with the wife next week. We have been seen together, but this is about the last shot. I really don't want to continue this marriage and I hope i can keep her discomfort to a minimum. Since we have talked out a lot of it I think it will all be okay.

Of course I can't really afford to live separately even if I badly want to. I have financial and maintenance obligations here on the farm so it would be difficult. If I can find a place in exchange for work it would be terrific, but this town has a real shortage of housing. Maybe I'll live in a tent on a back pasture or just put up a cheap rustic shack.

My depression is pretty much gone and I am a lot happier these days, but still have my melancholy moments. My dreams of what can still happen in my life keep me going. The mess in D.C. does its best to ruin everything, but I will fight that, too.

I haven't heard from A since before her trip to Mexico. I have dropped her a few lines, but never hear back. She is obviously ignoring me. Probably for my own benefit. At least that is what I can think unless she lets me know something else. I never told her that I love her, but she isn't blind, deaf, and dumb, and I'm probably not that good at hiding my feelings. I can never expect anything back and that's okay. It was a privilege knowing her and her initials are carved on my heart, where there are only two other sets from a long, long time ago. A is a rare gem and there will always be a fond memory of her.

It was different than the usual crush that comes along every five years or so. Maybe it was her kindness, but I won't over analyze anything and just let it go. I am still in occasional contact with the other two sets of initials. I hope that can happen with A someday.

Monday, March 6, 2017

A new life

A new life would be nice. Taking some elements of the old one along would be necessary. Abandoning ship and running away would be a little silly at this point in my life. Wouldn't be the first time, though.

Having created a life that has been a complete anchor for the last twenty years seemed okay for a while, but more like a trap for the last five years. Heavy obligations aren't easy to blow off. I really don't need much, but I need something. I have a few good friends, but none are closer than five hours away. I will be seeing them in a few weeks. A little space between me and the world I live in and have created will be a good thing and hopefully not too late.

The longer days have helped and pursuing outside interests has been helpful in my recovery from one of the darkest depressions I have ever experienced. I have to credit A with being a lifeline. Had she not been there I would not likely be here at all. I can never repay her, nor would she probably let me, but I will always be in her debt and grateful for her companionship. I hope I did her no harm through everything. She will always have a special place in my heart and in my mind.

I can't predict what the future will bring, but I will check in from time to time. It has been fun getting to remember some special people in my life and getting to know a few new special people. I wouldn't have thought they were out there, but they were. Spring is a time of rebirth and growth. I am long overdue for both.

Monday, February 20, 2017

New Friends

It has been a while since my crush on e, but given time it seems to have become a nice friendship. We text once in a while and see each other for moments here and there. I still think she's cute and sexy in a primitive sort of way (which I prefer) and I am less tense and more relaxed around her. I think she likes that better, too. She is younger than me, but not as young as A.

 I haven't seen A for two months and have only exchanged a handful of texts. She is so sweet and vulnerable, but our age difference is a big deal to me. I can adore her all I want, but wouldn't want to tie up her life and then go and die. It would be so unfair. The good thing is that she doesn't have that kind of interest in me anyway. I think I can handle being in her presence now. I still think she is one of the most wonderful people I ever met, but a serious reality check was in order. Hard to get my brain to override my heart, but it had to happen.

Been talking to the wife about separation. She has been treating me very nicely for a while now. Her drinking is getting back toward its usual overindulgence, however. She still loves me, she says, and even after twenty some years of sex-free living she is starting to hint that it may be a possibility. I have never betrayed that aspect of our lives, but after this long it will take a lot of convincing before I really consider it. I like her most of the time, but what we have is not a marriage to me. Don't think I'll ever want a marriage again. Once was enough. An occasional girlfriend would be nice, though. Who knows if it will ever happen. It may not be all that important after all and I think I would be fine as an independent spirit. I like company, but it has a price that I may not be willing to pay anymore. Then again, you just never know what will be around the next corner. 

Saturday, February 4, 2017

It makes no difference

That's the title of a song by The Band that is one of the saddest unrequited love songs I know. That and the Ray Charles version of You Don't Know Me.

The difference between them is that in It Makes No Difference there was once a love that is no more.
It makes no difference where I turn
I can't get over you and the flame still burns
It makes no difference, night or day
The shadow never seems to fade away

 And this:
 Now there's no love
As true as the love
That dies untold

Then Ray Charles sings about a woman he loves, but they are just friends and he must watch her go away with some other guy.

 No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me 

Then at the end:

Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me) 

I Imagine we have all gone through this and it hurts often with a pain that is debilitating, but what can you do.

My friend A is like the last one. I am sure she knows my feelings are strong, but that I won't do anything about them. I haven't seen her for a month and a half and we have only sent a few texts and I had hoped my feelings would wane as they usually do after time. They haven't, but I wish they would. She is going to Mexico for a vacation and I assume not going alone. I always wish her the greatest of happiness and I always hope her life turns out the way she wants it to knowing I can never really be a part of it.

She is the only one of my friends and acquaintances that knows this blog exists, but I am pretty sure she doesn't read this, otherwise I wouldn't have written this. She was very kind to me at a time when no one else was or had any idea how far down I had gone. Maybe that was what drew me in. Of course, everything I know about her just makes me care more. Unfortunately, nothing will ever come of it so I learn to live with the pain. I can sometimes push it aside, but it's always there to remind me that there is someone in the world like her.

But it makes no difference and she'll never know.  

Thursday, January 19, 2017


Jill was a friend all through college.  She was a cute and petite woman from the large, nearby, Midwestern city.  For four years we kidded and teased each other with double entendres and gave each other suggestive looks. But like everything else at school nothing ever came of it and I was sure most of the women there, no matter how lovely, were intending to stay virgins until marriage or become nuns. While I dreamed and drooled over some of them I never heard of many sexual escapades among them. 

After graduation I decided to stay in town for the summer and get some sort of job as I still had to eat and pay rent. I took a room in a house with a bunch of guys I knew and paid about $36 a month for me and my dog and paid my share of the utilities which amounted to another five or ten dollars depending on my long distance bill. 

Early on a hot summer evening while I was sitting around doing nothing, which was the thing I was best qualified to do, a woman came walking down the street to the house. That in itself was rare, but it was none other than my flirty friend Jill! 

We were genuine college graduates now and considered to be adults in some circles. Well, we caught up on our post graduate lives and flirted some more only this time it was different. We didn’t have to stop at innuendos. Nope, we kept right on flirting and acting upon our promises and threats until we ended up in my room. We kept the poor dog awake all night with our endless sexual escapades. Four years of foreplay had done its trick and we didn’t stop until we were completely exhausted and the sun had risen again. We were sated and sore, but smiling. She headed out for the big city after getting a little sleep and I wanted to see her again. 

A week or two later I hitchhiked and walked to her house, but she wasn’t home. I did talk to her parents at some point and found out she was out of town at the moment. She also had a boyfriend. Uh-oh.  Well, what we had was a one-time thing, unfortunately, and I never saw her again. About ten years later I ran into her parents at the resort where I worked and asked about her. It was long after that glorious night and they told me she was on her third marriage as they rolled their eyes.

It has been over forty years since that wild and lusty evening and if I ever run into her again I hope I would be able to talk her into trying a repeat performance. We probably couldn’t accomplish that, but it would sure be fun to try.     

Tuesday, December 27, 2016


It's cold and lonely here. All I seem to have are memories to keep me warm. People are nice enough, but can't be depended upon. There is only me for that.

I don't know how to gracefully end a relationship. Maybe just go away, but that leaves so many things hanging and I have responsibilities that will get dumped on someone else. I don't want to do that to anyone, but I can't seem to leave. The guilt would kill me or make me kill myself, I just don't know. Of course, that is the quick and easy way out.

My dreams are becoming unreachable and impractical, slowly being snuffed out by reality. When they're gone, then what? Maybe there is too much Walter Mitty in me. Sometimes I feel as though I am losing interest in the few things I used to enjoy. Just getting tired now. Is there any point to going on? I don't know, but my curiosity about what is around the bend hasn't let me down yet. I just don't know where to go and with only 20 or 30 years left what would be useful and fulfilling?

Having someone warm to share it with would be nice, but it may not work out that way. As far as the grass being greener I have doubts as to there being any grass at all. Again, that is only the stuff of dreams.

You walked in

You walked in to the store. When you saw me you gave me that warm smile and you looked so beautiful that I wanted to shove everyone out of the way just to be near you. Of course I didn't and I had to leave in order to keep it together. I was already late getting back to work and I wandered back to my vehicle in a daze. I so much wanted to just hold you and not let go and was ready to make a fool of myself over you in front of all those people. My feelings for you are too strong. I'm not supposed to do this and can't imagine you could come even close to feeling the same way. My heart was breaking and I had to pretend everything was okay. It isn't.

You have always taken the high road in our friendship and never led me on or implied anything beyond that. I go along with that as I don't want to lose that friendship. It means so much to me at this vulnerable time in my life. You are wise beyond your years and gifted much more than you have shown.

The difference in our ages is something I use for defense. As an idealist I know it shouldn't matter, but as a pragmatic person I know that for anything deeper and longer lasting it does matter. You wouldn't want to be left alone too soon in your life. The difference between The Donald and Melania is greater, but I am not a billionaire. I am barely a thousandaire.

Hope I haven't scared you away.