Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Essence of the Problem

The essence of the problem is that I am in love with A. I have tried avoidance, denial, just staying away from her trying to face the reality that she could not possibly be interested in a much older married geezer who has little to offer. Hoping that there would be any mutual feelings is a foolish thought and a waste of time for me, but even after a year I cannot shake these feelings. If she told me the feelings were mutual I would throw away my entire life to be with her. Just to hold her and be in her company would be plenty.

Sure, I've had temporary crushes over the years, but they usually go away in a few weeks or a couple of months. This one won't go away. I think this was all part of my depression last fall. It got to the point that suicide seemed like a viable alternative. Some days it still does. I can't find enough distraction to keep my thoughts away from all this.

I hate conflict so that when it happens I either shut down or lose my shit all together. I respond in the extreme, not like a reasonable person at all. I am unable to find any inner peace or calmness and always attempt to act like a normal person living a normal life. I am an actor, but I don't know how good. I just can't be anything else. I act like I am comfortable at home and at work and that everything is fine in my life, but half the time I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. Maybe I am of the hope that if I keep acting normal I will be someday. 

I am not sure there is anyone to turn to. I have been to individual counseling and marriage counseling and I cannot tell any of them how bad it is inside. I can tell them that my feelings for my wife are long gone and that I could go out on my own which would probably be a good thing. However, I am a chickenshit and can't stand to inflict pain on anyone. I don't want to hurt my wife, although she knows my feelings aren't much beyond friendship and 30 plus years of living together. Sex went away over twenty years ago and I am resentful of that, but at this point I have no desire to pursue my wife in that direction. I lost that kind of interest in her a couple of years after she decided she didn't want sex anymore. I haven't cheated, but is it even cheating if it is long since forgotten?

Learn from this people. Follow your heart. Unless it is happy, you will never be happy. The brain should be involved, but it needs to indulge the heart. Practicality is good, but won't bring happiness by itself and if we are not happy what is the point of existing. Reproduction? There are too many people on the planet as it is.  Maybe there is true love and maybe there isn't. Maybe someone much wiser than me knows if there is. I think it is worth pursuing though. I have stayed with this because I made a vow and thought it was the right way to live. I believe I have been wrong. It may be honorable to some extent, but it is dishonest. My father always told me to be true to myself. I haven't been and have suffered for it. It's my bed and I should lie in it. I guess I am just resigned to live in silence and wait to grow older and die.

I have helped animals and people and still do to get some fulfillment and while it helps a little it does nothing for my lonely heart. I'll just go on pretending. 

Monday, August 14, 2017

Same issue, different decade

My dear friend A has the same issue as my old friend Katie. A former love in her life is gone, but stops back occasionally. In Katie's case he would sleep with her and then leave and not be heard from for a year or so and then show up again. A has an ex who lives on the other side of the border. He left her for someone else and several years later she still carries a torch for him. When she goes to Thunder Bay to see a movie with friends or some other reason. She has fun, but you can see a little melancholy in her sparkly eyes. It makes me sad that she is sad and I wish I could do something to help her get over him entirely, but I am just a man. I do adore her and she would be blind to not see it even though I try not to be too attentive. She doesn't need more problems in her life.

I am really glad she confides in me a little and makes me want to hold her until she gets past it all, but I can only be a sympathetic and supportive friend. That is what I have tried to be and would never ask for more. Although if she said the right words I would probably throw away my life as it is and go with her. It's just the way I feel sometimes. Feeling it all the time creates a constant craving (thank you K.D. Lang) that goes completely away. It hovers in the background never far from my consciousness. I often call it forward when I go to bed and even though I feel the need I also feel a calmness that I get from this wonderful human being. Don't tell her I said that.

I wanted to send this to her, but it might make it worse. It is a beautiful song sung by Raylene Rankin lamenting men telling her loving things before running off with another.
 

Monday, July 17, 2017

A is amazing

I try to leave her alone so I don't seem so needy and I don't want to interfere with her life. As long as I am married I don't think it is possible to do more which will only serve to make me want to be in her company. So I just try and lay back. Normally I am the one to initiate any contact maybe because I can't help myself. There are always things I want to talk to her about, but I don't want to push it.

This time she initiated it via text message. Her vehicle was dead and she needed a jump. Unfortunately, I was already back home and I don't get reception there. She eventually got a coworker and her boyfriend to help, but to no avail. Her ride is in the shop now. I am in town for work every day and offered her my vehicle and also my bike since hers is out of commission. She offered me strawberries as she and another coworker had gone to Thunder Bay for strawberry picking and a movie.

She also practices mindfulness and meditation to keep her stable. I suffer from depression, too, but have been working to deal with it via alternative methods as the medical anti depressants don't seem to be much help and cause unpleasant side effects. I need her to help me learn to meditate in a more focused way.

I really appreciate her friendship and support and kindness. She is pretty enough, but it is what is inside that makes her a ravishing beauty to me. Keeping my emotions in check is a challenge, but worth it to keep her friendship. I absolutely do not want to jeopardize that.

I'll melt some chocolate for her to dip strawberries into. Positively sinful. See you later, A. Be happy and stay well.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

I was out and about

While running around doing errands after work I saw someone walking down the side of the road. It was A headed off to her second job.

There!
The unmistakable gliding grace
I pull over
She stops
A smile that comes from deep inside
Warm eyes that almost hide the fatigue
Words that sound like music
No matter what they mean
A quick touch that reaches my soul
And she is gone
My heart soars like a hawk.

My apologies to Chief Dan George for the last line, but I have always liked it. It is appropriate.

Then I finished my errands and went home. Sometimes just a brief interlude can change feelings for days at a time.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Trifecta

Yesterday I got to visit with or write to three of my favorite local women.  A and e and their friend Y all in separate places and circumstances. These women are all very capable and independent and have some serious talents in the arts and music. They are all in their forties, but not for long in one or two cases, and of course they are all physically and mentally attractive in their individual ways. At that age many women still are, at least to me.

It does this old mans heart and soul good to interact with such people and brightens my day. While I sometimes have momentary fantasies about any of them I just push them aside. Since I am married none of them are the type to screw around with that status and there are way more younger and attractive men available to them. It does make me wish I was fifteen years younger, but wishing is for dreamers. I am a dreamer, but I try to turn my dreams toward reality. Otherwise its just an exercise in frustration.

Lucky for me I am in a position to help them with some of their needs even though they are all the practical needs, not needs of the heart. At least I feel needed for something and that's good. I guess I find them all adorable in different ways, but I am happy to be their friend if nothing else. It was a good day.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

dealing with disappointment

I have this friend, Ang, who accompanied me to Europe about 4 years ago. We are "just friends", but I did have a bit of a crush on her at one time. She is very smart (engineer) very thoughtful, and attractive to boot. She knew I had the hots for her and waited until I got over it so we could get on with being friends. A very wise woman for being in her early 50's (just a kid). She is also quite generous when I come to visit and will take me out to eat and let me sleep in her guest room so I don't have to crash on my brother's sofa. I have also gotten to the point where I will confide in her and she will give me advice if I ask for it. She has gotten to know me and still likes me. How cool is that?

So A told me that anytime I went to the city I should let her know so she could ride down with me and visit some friends. As many times as I have seen A it is rarely for very long and certainly not the 5 hours it takes to go the city. I was really looking forward to being able to talk and listen with her for hours. So I have a reason to go to the city coming up and guess what. It is the only weekend she has plans. It is sailing, which she loves, with another friend and his sailboat. I guess I'm relegated to a few minutes here and there whenever I run into her. Damn! Maybe another opportunity will come up, but this is the beginning of the really busy season and I may not be able to get away for a long time.

I try and keep my distance from A so I don't get drawn in and she has totally friend-zoned me so I know there is no hope. Especially as long as I am married. Maybe I should just finish off my marriage for good and get on with my life, but everything is so tied up it seems nearly impossible.

So I wrote an email to Ang. Not talking about A, just needed someone to listen to my general state of being. I think she is in Japan this week on business, but I know she will at least read it when she gets a chance. It is nice to have someone to listen, but I also try not to abuse that privilege. While it is my own doing, the heartache just keeps happening.

On the other hand, I am healthy, have a regular job, and a place to live, but apparently have some emotional needs that are not being met. I guess that is what I have bee looking for for quite a few years now.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

The continuing story of A



I saw A the middle of last week to give her a book I got from the author on something that A is working on for her future life. I had the author write a little something inside. I also had some Hershey Kisses in my pocket and asked if I could give her a kiss. Of course, before she answered I got one out of my pocket and put it in her hand. There were a few more in  my pocket and I told her she could have all of my kisses and gave them to her.

She gave me a hug and I left. She texted me the next day to say thanks again and mentioned she would be going out of town for the weekend to visit friends. I had to do some errands on Saturday and was nearby where she lives. I went and got the brush piles out of her front yard and got rid of them. She returned Monday evening and emailed me a nice thank you on Tuesday me reminding me that she would take me for a beer and fish and chips. I have to dog sit for a friend this month and really don't feel I can get away as I don't want to burden anyone else with my responsibility. I told her I needed to get to the city after the dog goes home and she asked if she could come along to go visit her friends. I told her I would enjoy her company for the long drive.

Sometimes I remind myself of Niles Crane from the Frasier TV show. He loved Daphne for years, but never would say or was in a position to do anything about it. Just as they were marrying other people that they thought they loved they finally spoke of their love for each other and eventually lived happily ever after. I know it's only a story, but I always have a glimmer of hope. Of course I know of all the reasons it is not likely to happen and I continually deny my feelings, but I can never crush them entirely. Then I'll see her in person and I just melt on the inside. Again I will try not to gush and make her think every moment away from her is painful. I'll just not contact her without a good reason. There are lots of things I would love to tell her, but won't. I just think about that stuff. I'll pretend to be hard to get for as long as I can stand it. Do I seem pathetic, yet?